Mindful Thought: Relationships pt 2

Today second part of relationships and Mindfulness. This part shows a light on how we often mirror our family culture and how that can negatively impact our relationships and life.

In the  60's and 70's a lot of groundbreaking research was done about attachment theory (Bowlby and Ainsworth to name a few) and from that many psychological researchers have examined the different ways secure and insecure attachments with our parents or caregivers affect our attachment style as adults. 

If your parents showed you love, responded to your needs and validated your feelings, you will more likely develop a secure attachment style. You then seek out and desire the same attachment style as an adult.

If you had an insecure attachment with your parents, then you may have a fragmented sense of self, which leads to low self-esteem, anxiety in relationships, doubt to trust others.

You will seek out relationships that mimic that same attachment style, not because it feels good but because it feels familiar.

The relationship with your parents is the very first one you have and the most influential example how to interact with others and communicate in a romantic relationship. The way love is expressed between parents, the way parents show love to their children. Playfulness, hugs, word of admiration, affection.

Those similar patterns you use to show love to your partner.

The ways in which anger and conflict were managed in your family plays a large factor in how you communicate with your partners today.. 

Whether or not you express your emotions openly or hold emotions in, especially negative emotions, parallels how your parents communicated with each other and with you as a child. For example, conflict may be dealt with in the family by talking openly and assertively or by not talking about it and perhaps expressing the negative emotion in passive aggressive ways. 

Conflict may be expressed in direct yet verbally aggressive ways like yelling or name-calling. 

Your styles of communication are formed by observation and direct experience of your primary role models in childhood.  

Poor conflict management is the number one predictor of divorce in couples.

Same-sex parents serve as a model for your own behavior and opposite sex parents are projected into potential partners. This also works in reverse, in the sense that you may search for the opposite of a father who was stoic and uninvolved. Another example, a person may be very sensitive to criticism and argue frequently with partners because their same-sex parent had difficulty advocating for themselves and became a "doormat" in the relationship. We tend to want to emulate our parent's relationship when it is perceived as healthy and positive.

Are we doomed to play out these patterns or can we change this?

Yes! Change starts with self-awareness! Start to identify where patterns of communication, thoughts, and feelings originate. Reflect on your childhood and try to remember the patterns you had in interacting with your parents. How was love expressed? How was conflict dealt with? How were negative emotions expressed or not expressed? Therapy is a great tool for this process. Problematic reactions and behaviors can oftentimes be traced to unhealthy parental interactions. External messages from our families about communication, self-worth, and a host of other issues become internalized and assimilated into our own thoughts.

When you have negative thoughts and self-criticism, ask yourself: Whose voice is that? 

Is this what you think and believe, or does it come from somewhere or someone else? If your parents are still living, you can also start to notice how you interact with your parents today, and then see how those patterns may be playing out in your romantic relationships. After you become aware of your patterns, learning about other ways of interacting is key, and then applying those new ways is imperative. This part is difficult! But Mindfulness will help you. In the first week we talked about the narrative and story

in our head and how to stop believing this propaganda and just see them as thoughts, nothing more.

Meditating will help you become more aware of those thoughts and patterns and you can train your mind to step out of it.

And because we are talking about this in the spirit of Mindfulness I want you to look at your parents or caregivers with compassion. Just as you are formed by your genes

and upbringing, your environment and experience, so are they, they are playing out their own patterns. Not fully aware of the consequences of their actions. Perhaps unable to change. Look at them with compassion and forgiveness. 

You are aware, you examine and break the patterns, you grow as a person and that is something to be grateful for ♥

Anyone of you listening to this that suffers great trauma, Mindfulness can help you but not give you the professional help you need. Be sure to seek out help in rl ♥

Mindful Thought: Relationships pt1

Today we start Mindful Thought with the first part of Relationships and Mindfulness.

I want to share this beautiful quote with you first:

“An outstanding love doesn’t come from two half-fulfilled people coming together to make one whole, complete life. Outstanding love comes from two whole people coming together to share and enhance their already full and beautiful lives.” ~Pia Scade

And here I come to a returning theme: self-love. Read here important part on self-love

One of the most important things to start a healthy relationship is to fully understand yourself.

If you don't you will likely enter the relationship from an emotionally dependent place. 

Communicating to your partner about your emotions and sexual side is important; hoping they will

automatically perceive who you are and what you need is a fantasy.  Make a conscious effort to become aware of your emotional reactions to people and events in your life, observe your mind and the narrative. 

Reflect on your feelings and talk about how you feel and what you notice about yourself but without 

expecting someone else to put you back together. 

A partner can’t make you happy, only you can do that and it is not their responsibility to make you happy. If you rely on them for happiness you will drain the space between you, so it is important to make sure you take the responsibility yourself.

Choosing happiness means accepting that the only person you can change is you and not looking to change others, you work on yourself and make sure you meet your own needs.

In loving yourself; you respect yourself, your ideas, wants, flaws and person, enough to not want anything lesser. If you do not treat yourself as important as you expect to be treated, you will not get the respect you deserve! Loving yourself and actually showing it, sends a signal across to a partner and makes them realize that you have standards. When the reality of your standards hit them, they would never want to treat you lesser. 

Forget trying to morph yourself into the perfect match for Mr. (or Ms.) Right. Do not try appearing a certain way to attract love or play the game to entice a partner. Stop pleasing others for the wrong reasons.

Hastened sex to achieve emotional intimacy does not work, it almost never leads to a committed union.

Don't spend time hoping someone will change, it is better to put your energy into growing as a person and

find someone who likes you exactly as you are.

It is common when attracted to someone to want to rationalize their poor behavior. If someone treats you with disrespect or chronically lets you down, take this as data about whom he or she is as a person. If you try to talk with someone and he or she dismisses you or rationalizes mistreatment of you, take this seriously; this may not be a suitable match. If a someone says they are not looking for “anything serious” or they need a lot of “space,” let them go. This person is not in the same place you are and may not want the same things you want. Believe what people communicate about themselves. If they are acting immaturely or disrespectfully, or saying things that hurt you, move on. It is not your job to show someone a better way; it is your job to work on growing as a person.

Always maintain a degree of space and independence.

It is unhealthy to allow someone or a relationship to absorb your identity and to lose yourself as a person. Keep your own rituals, your own activities, and your own friends. Spend a healthy time apart doing your own thing to nurture your soul ♥

The Center welcomes Raeven and Juju as new mentors!

Good news, we have two new mentors at the Center. 

Raeven  and Juju you probably all met at the meditations are both great additions to our Center. Raeven will lead the meditations on Saturday and Sunday at 1pm SLT. Come say hi and get to know her!

Juju will share meditations, documentaires and movies about meditation and mindfulness in her event. 

Two new screens are installed at the Center to make it easier to watch those together. Be sure to contact her if you have a great clip to share. 

Do you want to be part of the Center too and share something to our members? Contact me in world ♥

Buddhify App

Raeven brought to my attention a great meditation app she found and we share it with you: Buddhify

Guided meditations for wherever you are

The central idea in buddhify is that you don’t have to find time for meditation, instead it comes to you. That is why all our meditations are categorised by what you’re doing or how you’re feeling. So you’ll find guided meditations for Walking, Stress & Difficult Emotion, Work Break, Going to Sleep, Waking Up and many other different categories. Written and voiced by our range of hand-picked teachers, the sessions last from 4 minutes all the way through to 30 minutes.

Mindful Thoughts: Emotions pt4

Today our pt4 of Emotions, and we will take a closer look on

how Mindfulness helps us to deal with negative emotions and the sensations and pain they cause in our body

Yesterday I shared how we can stop reacting when emotion is triggered. 

The 3 step process:

 A stimulus

 the stimulus sparks an emotion

 and the emotion sparks a reaction

 

How Mindfulness adds another step to this process:

Instead of stimulus-emotion-reaction,

you have stimulus-emotion-exploration-choice. 

When you are reacting, maybe sometimes it works out well for you, 

most of the time it does not. 

Reactions are almost entirely out of ego. 

Choices are almost entirely out of consciousness. 

Example:

If one of you sent me a rude im now and said:

Dude, shut up with your nonsense

It would spark in me: 

anger, frustration, rage, that is the emotion

I can eject him/her, ban him/her and answer the im in rage, 

look what I can do teehee, that is a reaction

It is the egoistic structure of processing emotion

Now being Mindful

I will still feel the emotion, the anger, the rage etc

But I go in exploration: This is an emotion, it is anger, it is rage, I do not like those comments

that is pretty disrespectful 

recognize and make a decision 

So I witness the emotion, and then I get to make a conscious choice

I can still ban him and answer him, but it was not a reaction, it was a conscious choice.

Now pay attention to the fact I accepted the emotion of anger and rage

I did not push it away as oh bad emotion go away

I accepted the anger

I explored it

I labeled it 

and then made a choice

Does it make me feel better to ban him? Does it make my life better? Will it stop him from making bad comments?

I have the power and the freedom to make a choice.

Being Mindful, you still feel the emotion, but you go in exploration:

you witness the emotion, recognize it and make a conscious choice how to react. 

You explore the outcomes of any reaction and feel the power and freedom to make a choice.

Mindfulness does not mean you ignore your emotions, hoping they go away, emotions are energy, they stay and keep building.

Like a rubber band you keep pulling and pulling.

They stay until given attention.

This is why some people seem to be wound up tight, they are literally filled with tight rubber bands of emotions.

Any situation can activate them and try to come out.

This is how emotions get stuck in you, you walk around unhappy, 

not confident and unexpressed, you lack the life that you truly desire

because these emotional blockages hold you in reactive old models.

We can numb this old pain with maladaptive behavior like alcohol, drugs, medicines, being a workaholic, 

excessive sports and sex addiction, anything to not have to feel it 

and in the end at certain moments they will erupt and demand your attention.

Mindfulness means you accept emotions.  Every time you have an emotional reaction, 

you need to accept it and explore it. 

Put yourself inside it and even though it feels bad, 

bring your loving awareness into it. 

Let that emotion know it is OK to be expressed. 

"I am here to listen." You invite it to speak. 

Invite it to express itself. You are there to witness it, 

to feel it and to get the message that you have ignored 

so many times before. 

Important to explore the emotion is to de-attach it from the event that caused the emotion or 

the thought of the event, like we did yesterday in the emotion, we shush the mind a explore what we really feel with our body

For example: your relationship ended

Grief, anger, frustration or any emotion is always going to materialize in your body as a FEELING. 

In this case as pain

You feel this pain in your chest, your heart, your head is filled with questions why and what ifs

you blame him, her, yourself, others

you do not want to feel this way

you play a movie of the past in your head while being overwhelmed by emotions like grief, anger, frustration, humiliation 

and more.

the future looks like a big black hole of loneliness

you feel completely alone

Out of these emotions comes reaction: 

you can beg them to come back even if it is not good for you

you can stalk them 

you can scratch their car out of anger

or you can eat a lot of ice cream

and some of you will do nothing and fight the emotions

some of you will scream in agony I can't take this, this is too much

In Mindfulness you will separate the event of the break up from the emotion pain and grief

and focus only on the emotion

explore it without judgment

and accept it as an important message 

witness the impermanence of an emotion

and how it changes

In our universe nothing is permanent, energy changes shape and so do these emotions

Accepting and explore the negative emotions that overwhelm you

and recognize where they reside inside you 

is one of the most powerful tools of Mindfulness

because it means you will end a lot of suffering for yourself

Just letting them be as they are without trying to change them in any way. 

In mindfulness acceptance is a very important cornerstone. When you are able to tolerate and 

accept difficult emotions you have more energy to focus on 

effective strategies that actually help you to manage the problem causing the emotions

You learn and therefor become free to make a choice

and bring your life forward without getting stuck in the emotion

Mindful Thought: Emotions pt3

Today we explore more what emotions are and how they steer our reactions and our life. 

Let's take a look at the evolution of our emotional programming and processing.

Emotional competence is a developmental process that has 3 components: 1) emotion expression; 2) emotion knowledge; and 3) emotion regulation As we grow up we go through different levels of cognitive ability.:

As a newborn baby we are not aware we exist, emotions are purely based on survival, to influence our caregivers and surroundings.

Often you can see on a baby's face how nature trains the right muscles to communicate the emotions they will need to express themselves later in life.

Around 2 years old, the magic happens, the emerging of the emotional self separate from the parents or caregiver, 

our emotions are fully erupting and tantrums prove that, 

our emotions are no longer a mean of survival, 

still we  are not not fully conscious yes.

This happens when we are approximately 3 years old, we now have a conceptual self, a sense of identity. 

We are fully conscious and this starts to blossom between 3 and 6 years old. Here language is the concept, the noise we make to communicate

with others, we label our surroundings and the world around us starts to make sense. 

Emotions are now triggered by stimulus outside our self with an immediate reaction. 

Smile, cry... 

Between 6 and 9 years old we reach what we call concrete consciousness,  we start to learn the rules about governable concept. 

We learn to adapt and to accept the ways of the home, school and the society we live in, 

we are taught to control our emotions, to hide them if needed and we become aware of the emotions we can evoke in others. 

Only in our teenage years we make an attempt to go beyond the 

rules, teenage conflict is a developmental stage, a way of testing the rules. 

This will bubble on for a few years and is almost always suppressed by our parents or caregivers.

It is a period of deep and strong emotions: our body changes, hormonal changes, conflicts with authority and first love.

The transverse of our teen years fades and we go back into concrete consciousness, we follow the rules, our life become stereotypical, 

most of us do not question the rules, some of us are not even aware of them. 

This is the stage where we stay in for the rest of our life. At least most of us ☺

Here we have covered everything of 2 of the components, expression and knowledge, now about emotion regulating

The message of our emotions is strong, so it is very important 

to listen...

It is also important to be able to control them where needed.

And here we arrive at an important step for our well being.

Why is it so hard to control our emotions?

Let's look at an example:

You are 3 years old and there is a cookie jar on the table.

Your mind goes in a state of wanting.

You reach for the cookie and your mom says no, you can not have it

The feeling of wanting something and not being able to have it is hard to deal with

As a child this feeling is very confronting and you do not have the cognitive ability yet to think about it logically.

You do not understand that the cookie is not the best nutrition at this moment.

You explode into emotion as an immediate reaction

What you see here is a 3 step process:

 A stimulus

 the stimulus sparks an emotion

 and the emotion sparks a reaction

 

 Stimulus: Cookie, I want it but I can not have it

 Emotion: Frustration, anger, sadness

 Reaction: Crying and screaming

 

Sadly that is how most of us continue to operate for the rest of our lives and if you are emotionally reactive you will 

feel a lot of pain and you will cause a lot of pain 

 

Take a look at the world around us, there is many things that are quit negative, 

many people are operating from a very negative place, 

there is really hard circumstances in many people's life, in many places.

Life is suffering for most of humans on earth.

All those things are going to cause you emotional reactions if you do not understand the conscious next 

level of this process. That's the reactive model of emotional processing.

I have good news :D

This is where mindfulness comes into place...

Mindfulness adds a step to the processing of emotions and it is not terribly difficult

CHOICE

Instead of stimulus-emotion-reaction,

you have stimulus-emotion-exploration-choice. 

Choices are powerful. Choices are made with consciousness in a way 

that brings you FORWARD in life 

regardless if it's a hard choice, a negative situation or a positive situation. 

It doesn't matter.

When you are making a choice, 

you are ALWAYS moving forward. 

When you are reacting, maybe sometimes it works out well for you, 

most of the time it does not. 

Reactions are almost entirely out of ego. 

Choices are almost entirely out of consciousness and being aware.

Controlling and/or regulating your emotions is very important part of being able to live a happy life.

 

 And here I can add for you this little task: when your emotions are sparked in a negative manner, by something

 or someone practice this golden rule to count to 10 in your mind before reacting. It gives you time to make a choice

 how to react and it also lowers the strength of your emotion.

 

 I want to share this with you about the power of not reacting (really beautiful):

 

 More tomorrow! ♥

 

Mindful Thought: Emotions pt2

Yesterday we took a look at the limbic system, where the source of our emotions is situated. Let's explore more what emotions are and what is their use biological and social.

The most fundamental emotions, known as the basic emotions are anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise. These have a long history in our evolution and have developed to help us make rapid judgments about stimuli and respond quickly with appropriate behavior.  They are experienced and displayed in much the same way across cultures and we can read other's face accurately even if we never met.

Not all of our emotions come from the old parts of our brain; we also interpret our experiences to create a more complex array of emotional experiences. 

For instance, the amygdala may sense fear when it senses that the body is falling, but that fear may be interpreted completely differently (perhaps even as excitement) when we are falling on a roller-coaster ride than when we are falling from the sky in an airplane that has lost power.

The cognitive interpretations that accompany emotions — known as cognitive appraisal — allow us to experience a much larger and more complex set of secondary emotions.

Although they are in large part cognitive, our experiences of the secondary emotions are determined in part by arousal and whether they are pleasant or unpleasant feelings.

When you succeed in reaching an important goal, you might spend some time enjoying your secondary emotions, perhaps the experience of joy, satisfaction, and contentment. But when your close friend wins a prize that you thought you had deserved, you might also experience a variety of secondary emotions (in this case, the negative ones) — for instance, feeling angry, sad, resentful, and ashamed. You might mull over the event for weeks or even months, experiencing these negative emotions each time you think about it.

The distinction between the primary and the secondary emotions is paralleled by two brain pathways: a fast pathway and a slow pathway.  The thalamus acts as the major gatekeeper in this process. 

Our response to fear, for instance, is primarily determined by the fast pathway through the limbic system. When a car pulls out in front of us on the highway, the thalamus activates and sends an immediate message to the amygdala. We quickly move our foot to the brake pedal. 

Secondary emotions are more determined by the slow pathway. When we stew in jealousy over the loss of a partner to a rival or recollect our win in the big tennis match, the process is more complex. Information moves from the thalamus to the frontal lobes for cognitive analysis and integration, and then from there to the amygdala. We experience the arousal of emotion, but it is accompanied by a more complex cognitive appraisal, producing more refined emotions and behavioral responses.

In some cases it may be difficult when experiencing a high level of arousal to accurately determine which emotion we experience. That is, we are certain that we feel arousal, but the meaning of the arousal (the cognitive factor) may be less clear. Some romantic relationships, for instance, have a very high level of arousal, and the partners alternatively experience extreme highs and lows in the relationship. One day they are madly in love with each other and the next they are in a huge fight. In situations that are accompanied by high arousal, people may be unsure what emotion they are experiencing. In the high arousal relationship, for instance, the partners may be uncertain whether the emotion they are feeling is love, hate, or both at the same time. The tendency for people to incorrectly label the source of the arousal that they are experiencing is known as the mis-attribution of arousal.

In one interesting field study by Dutton and Aron (1974), an attractive young woman approached individual young men as they crossed a wobbly, long suspension walkway hanging more than 200 feet above a river in British Columbia . The woman asked each man to help her fill out a class questionnaire. When she had finished, she wrote her name and phone number on a piece of paper, and invited him to call if he wanted to hear more about the project. More than half of the men who had been interviewed on the bridge later called the woman. In contrast, men approached by the same woman on a low, solid bridge, called significantly less frequently. The idea of mis-attribution of arousal can explain this result — the men were feeling arousal from the height of the bridge, but they mis-attributed it as romantic or sexual attraction to the woman, making them more likely to call her.

In addition to experiencing emotions internally, we also express our emotions to others, and we learn about the emotions of others by observing them. This communication process has evolved over time and is highly adaptive.

One way that we perceive the emotions of others is through their nonverbal communication. Our tone of voice, gait, posture, touch, and facial expressions, and we can often accurately detect the emotions that other people are experiencing through these channels, particularly liking or disliking, and dominance or submission. 

The most important communicator of emotion is the face. The face contains 43 different muscles that allow it to make more than 10,000 unique configurations and to express a wide variety of emotions. For example, happiness is expressed by smiles, which are created by two of the major muscles surrounding the mouth and the eyes, and anger is created by lowered brows and firmly pressed lips.

In addition to helping us express our emotions, the face also helps us feel emotion. The facial feedback hypothesis proposes that the movement of our facial muscles can trigger corresponding emotions. Fritz Strack and his colleagues (1988) asked their research participants to hold a pen in their teeth (mimicking the facial action of a smile) or between their lips (similar to a frown), and then had them rate the funniness of a cartoon. They found that the cartoons were rated as more amusing when the pen was held in the smiling position — the subjective experience of emotion was intensified by the action of the facial muscles.

These results, and others like them, show that our behaviors, including our facial expressions, both influence and are influenced by our affect. We may smile because we are happy, but we are also happy because we are smiling. And we may stand up straight because we are proud, but we are proud because we are standing up straight.

So... pull those shoulders back now and smile! ♥

Mindful Thoughts: Emotions pt1

This week we talk about emotions, what they are, how we use them, what they do to us and how Mindfulness can help us control

them.

We are all familiar with emotions such as fear, joy, envy, anger, and excitement. To some extent these emotions are automatic: The brain systems that carry them out operate without us being aware of it. At the same time, we experience feelings of which we are fully aware, so that we are capable of describing ourselves as scared or angry or grumpy, surprised or happy. 

All of our emotions have two components. 

The first begins unconsciously and manifests itself as an outward expression; for example, a bear crosses your path and you start

running, you burn your hand and pull away... subconscious spurred to action to survive.

The second is a subjective, internal expression, the feeling of emotion connected to the narrative in your mind, for example: I am scared, bears are scary, I never take this path again... conscious memorizing the state of mind because of this bear

To understand emotions today we gonna take a deeper look about the biology of emotions. Knowing where they are coming from

and what they actually are gives us a deeper understanding to also deal with them.

Emotion, in its most general definition, is a neural impulse that moves an organism to action, 

prompting automatic reactive behavior that has been adapted through evolution as a survival mechanism to meet a survival need, and we share those basic emotions with animals. Research in rats and mice show that just like us their behavior is steered by

emotion.

When you break it down simply: emotions are energy, energy in motion, e-motion. 

This energy pulses through your body constantly even when you are not aware of it. The limbic system is the area of the brain most heavily implicated in emotion, it includes the hypothalamus, thalamus, amygdala, and hippocampus. 

The processes of the limbic system control our physical and emotional responses to our environment and categorizes the experience as pleasant or unpleasant. Based on that the neuro-chemicals such as dopamine, noradrenaline, and serotonin increase or decrease resulting in changes in our body movement, gestures, and poses.

This is all complicated to explain in a short time so I want to direct you to this great learning youtube channel:

 

It goes without saying that our emotions need to be regulated. 

Aristoteles  argued that the proper regulation of the emotions was a defining feature of wisdom.

And this is where Mindfulness comes in.

More tomorrow!

Good link about the brain: https://www.opencolleges.edu.au/informed/learning-strategies/

Mindful Thoughts|: A side note

On Friday late I had a conversation with someone who asked me if Mindfulness makes you a better person and if that means she had to 

transform in a Sister Theresa like personality.

I have two answers for this question. Mindfulness makes you a better person and no, you do not transform into a saint.

In our Western world Mindfulness has evolved to a wellness type movement focused on being better, working better, feeling better etc. 

In Buddhism the Pali word for "mindfulness" is sati. Sati can also mean 'retention, recollection, or alertness. Mindfulness is a whole-body-and-mind awareness of the present moment. To be mindful is to be fully present, not lost in daydreams, anticipation, indulgences, or worry.

Mindfulness also means observing and releasing habits of mind that maintain the illusion of a separate self. This includes dropping the mental habit of judging everything according to whether we like it or not. Being fully mindful means being fully attentive to everything as-it-is, not filtering everything through our subjective opinions.

Here the big difference is we completely let go of the ego and therefor feel no judgment towards others as we see them not separate from ourselves 

therefor love and kindness for everyone becomes possible. What you perceive as yourself you can not harm.

This state of enlightenment is hard to achieve for most of us as we run the treadmill of our Western society and are bombarded with so many things constantly fighting for our attention. That does not mean we can't adopt and integrate the beginnings of these teachings in our lives. 

The reason why I share this with all of you is that even those small beginnings do change our life. And no, not to turn us into saints. 

Human life is suffering, on top of all things most of us have to go through there is the awareness of our own inevitable death. 

This death anxiety subconscious influences our behaviors on a psychological, spiritual, and cultural level. 

There is a relation between human violence and death.

Yet in our society aging and death are almost a taboo and we all join the race to ignore it and not talk about it. Infinite youth is a relic and worshiped 

as the ultimate goal. And this while facing and/or discussing death can actually be a meditation for living fuller lives.

Mindfulness can not cure any of the challenges we face as human beings but it can help us how to perceive them and how deeply we let them affect us.

If you have a car accident today and your car is wrecked, this can be an example human suffering. In Buddhism the car accident is not the suffering, the car accident

is an experience, what the mind does with the experience is the suffering. You can feel depressed and lost in negative thoughts for a week about your car or

the trained mind would be grateful to be alive, that it was not worse and learned from the experience. 

This is two perspectives of the same event.

Most of us do not have the trained minds of Buddhist monks so we will probably feel the more negative experience. Mindfulness can make it less worse, because

we are in the moment and aware of our thoughts and get faster out of that state of mind and at the end perhaps come to the conclusion we are grateful we are healthy and no one got hurt.

This example goes for almost everything in our lives. You will still feel sad, angry and disappointed even if you meditate every day and practice being in the present moment a few times a day. The same misfortune and negative events will still happen to you. Mindfulness will help you perceive them from another angle, 

be aware of the thoughts you have and adjust those thoughts to what is helpful.

So this does make you a better person over time and those around you will benefit from it and notice the change in you. It is however a process of win and fail and learning every time. The good thing is every day is a new day to start over ♥

Mindful Thoughts: Gratitude pt 5

I start with this quote I found on a blog I linked at the bottom of this notecard, no idea who wrote it but it is a great quote to share with you ♥

“If you do not respect your whole, you cannot expect to be respected as well. Don’t let your partner love a lie, an expectation. Trust yourself. Bet on yourself. If you do this, you will be opening yourself to be really loved. It’s the only way to find real, solid love in your life.”

Self Love is not about putting yourself first in a manner it hurts those around you, nor is it posting 10 pictures on Instagram a day, that is the self-love we act out to get validation from others. 

Treating yourself to expensive meals, spending a night with someone regardless the consequences, procrastinate and delay everything to later, rejecting things that take effort, reject challenges, seeking validation and approval from others, believing it's all about you...

This may seam about self-love but it is actually not, it takes the idea of self-love too personally, while self-love is a journey that is primarily focused on the self, it doesn’t mean that you must become obnoxiously selfish, thinking of no one but yourself.

Every time you don’t get exactly what you want, you might become frustrated or annoyed, leading to a mental state that is the opposite of what self-love is supposed to achieve.

While a temporary happiness comes in the form of direct benefits – if your goals and wishes becoming fulfilled as clearly and quickly as possible- the satisfaction and happiness is short term and makes place for more disappointment, frustration and wishing things were different and total lack of gratitude.

Nothing of that will stop the nagging 'voice' or thoughts, this internalized dialog is at the root of much of our self-destructive and maladaptive behavior.

This critical inner voice is experienced as thoughts within our head. The stream of destructive thoughts forms an anti-self that discourages us from acting in our best interest.

Most common thoughts like “You’re stupid,” “You’re not attractive,” or “You’re not like other people.”

Or about your career, like “You’ll never be successful,” “No one appreciates how hard you work,” or “You are under too much pressure, you can’t handle this stress.”

Or about your relationship, such as “He doesn’t really care about you,” “You’re better off on your own,” or “Don’t be vulnerable, you’ll just get hurt.”

So what do I mean then with self-love???

Time is your most important currency, live mindfully, truthfully, and intentionally. Try to train your mind to no longer get lost in thoughts, stop jumping on the train of association. Help yourself by leaving little reminders everywhere to call yourself to the present moment.

Things to do: Hang little Post-its or Stickers in the bathroom, your office, your car, the kitchen... to remind you to be in the present moment. 

Treat yourself well; physically, emotionally. Listen to your body and your mind at the most basic level – if something doesn’t feel good, then it is probably bad for you. Protect yourself, from the dangers of both greasy food and toxic friends.

Eat healthy, exercise regularly even taking walks, sleep enough hours, and surround yourself with people that help you grow and not pull you down.

Don’t limit yourself, but don’t confuse self-love with hedonism. Moderation is good for the soul.

Treat yourself with the same respect, kindness, and mindfulness that you would offer the people who matter most to you in your life.

Love yourself with the same patience and tenderness you would give your own child, partner, sibling, or parent.

Be kind but be stern; learn to discipline, but learn to forgive. You are your own greatest fan, your own greatest rival, and your own greatest love.

Learn to see yourself in ways you have never considered.

Things to do: make a reminder to be kind to yourself. Draw a heart on your wrist, on your water bottle,

hang little smile and heart stickers on your mirror, smile at yourself. 

Most important one: stop identifying with your nagging, critical inner voice

You can take power over your critical inner voice. When you become aware of what it is telling you, you can stop it from running your life. The challenge is to identify it and ‘flush it out’. To do this, when you slip into a bad mood or become upset. Investigate: what caused the shift? What happened and, most importantly, what did you start telling yourself?

 The fact that your mood shifted from feeling good or relaxed to feeling down or irritable is probably a sign that you perceive through your critical inner voice.

When you have identified that your critical inner voice is advising you, what is it trying to get you to do? 

When you pinpoint the actions it wants you to take, take control over your critical inner voice, decide to take action against it and acting solely in your own interest.

Things to do: every time you become aware your critical inner voice is telling you negative things

answer no, not taking it and shush the voice giving it no importance.

And here we come to the most important part for self-love

Self acceptance and gratefulness for who you are right now.

You set the standards for your self-acceptance. You decide to stop grading yourself, or keeping score with yourself, you can adopt an attitude of forgiveness. In fact, once you stop your lifelong habit of assessing, and reassessing yourselves and compassionately understand your past, you'll find that there's really nothing to forgive. Of course, you can vow to do better in the future, but you can nonetheless accept yourself precisely as you are today, regardless of our shortcomings.

We don't have to actually do anything to self-accept. Only change the way we look at ourselves. Changing our behavior is a matter of personal preference but not a prerequisite for acceptance.

Focus on our positives, practice self-compassion, forgive our self for our faults.

As soon as we can give our self approval and be grateful for who we are at this moment we stop needing other's approval. 

Finally, there's no reason at all to not change the sense of your self. And we may need to remind ourselves that our various weaknesses are part of what makes us human. So in the pursuit of unconditional self-acceptance, we might even want to take a certain pride in our imperfections. After all, were we beyond criticism in the first place, we'd never have the opportunity to rise to this uniquely human challenge.

Things to do: every morning before getting out of bed take a minute to think about something you are grateful for, can be something little or the sun shining through your window, the smell of coffee or happy you woke up in time...

Great article and tips for self love

Eckhart Tolle Teachings 

Quote by Mizu: What i like to think about past/future is.. that it's like a book that is still being written... no point in thinking about past, the pages are already filled - and you can't change them anymore... and future, is empty pages... no point in thinking "wonder what will be written here", if there's still pages to be filled before it , today

Mindful Thought: Gratitude and Self-Love

Gratitude and Self-Love

Today we look at gratefulness and how it is intertwined with self-love.

When you take a minute to look at how much you have accomplished, for yourself or others, you feel empowered, efficient. Often, we tend to focus on the failures, or negative experiences in our lives. 

When you were little, you may have been led to believe things about yourself by your parents, family members, school, friends, religion, culture, …and you may have decided to adopt those things as truth. Some of those things may be have been positive; others were negative.

And so, you have gathered evidence that affects your ability to show gratitude and self-love. That evidence may be real. It may be false.

Often, we feel guilt, shame–and think about what we should have done. We dwell on what’s missing, or what could have been, or how we should look, or what we should have said…

Learning how to be grateful for the good things in your life can help reverse that trend and put you on a path toward self-love and a more positive outlook on life. 

Gratitude is a huge help with any stress in your life. You may be five minutes late for work every day, no matter how hard you try, but you can be thankful for the fact that your boss values your contributions to your job enough to overlook something that might be grounds for dismissal for someone else. And in times of trauma, gratitude is a huge coping method. Even though you may have just suffered a mighty blow to your life, being grateful that things could have been worse, and that you are still alive to see another day, is an effective way to draw your focus away from the negative, and eventually adjust and move on.

Be thankful for yourself!

Being happy with who you are is something to be thankful for in and of itself. So many people walk around every day, upset with themselves because of something arbitrary, and it is usually something they could change. Being grateful for yourself is the cornerstone of self-love; the more you are able to develop your sense of self-love, the more you will be able to be grateful for what is around you, and vice versa.

If you have a people-pleasing personality, you may find it hard at first to put your own thoughts and feelings before others, but the more you make yourself aware of yourself, the easier it will be to learn self-love, and to be thankful for it.

Appreciating yourself helps you build your self-esteem and self-worth as well. And all of these things combine to help you create a positive body image, as well as a positive inner sense of self. Being grateful for your body can really help when you’re sick or injured. It might also just give you the added jolt you need to appreciate your life, despite facing a current downturn.

Naming the things about ourselves that we’re grateful for, or choosing to do things differently because we have the power to see ourselves as perfect, innocent, and capable of change is a good choice. You are worthy. You are good enough, You are perfect. Curious about how to get to a place where you can say all those things to yourself and believe them? 

Tomorrow I will teach you little tasks to help you feel acceptance, appreciation and gratefulness for yourself ♥

Mindful Thoughts Gratitude pt3

Practicing gratitude can be a game-changer: it has far reaching effects, from improving our mental health to boosting our relationships with others. And that is what I want to bring to your attention today: gratitude towards others, lovers, partners, family and friends. 

Living your life with gratitude helps you notice the little wins — like the bus showing up right on time, a stranger holding the door for you, or the sun shining through your window when you wake up in the morning. Each of these small moments string together to create a web of well-being that, over time, strengthens our ability to notice the good.

Hydonic Adaptation (fancy term for getting used to something) and negativity bias undermine our lives but also our long term relationships, we take each other for granted, we get bored, complacency.  We focus on the negative events in our lives and relationships.

Gratitude is the antidote.

Moments of gratitude help us recognize the value in our partners and friends—and a valuable partner is worth holding onto. In a number of studies researchers found this to be true, when we feel more appreciative than usual of our partners, they also report more feelings of commitment.

Gratitude has long-term consequences: The more grateful we are, the more committed we are over time. Feelings of gratitude are tied to the motivation to maintain a relationship.

Being motivated to stay in a relationship is only part of the story. We also need to act on that motivation. And gratitude is valuable here as well: experiencing gratitude also promotes behaviors that help us hold onto our relationships.

We are more thoughtful and responsive to others’ needs on days when we feel grateful for them.

We are more caring and attentive listeners during discussions—a key for promoting intimacy in relationships.  Gratitude helps us gain and maintain that intimacy. 

When we work to maintain the relationship our partner feels appreciated and 

this is where the good stuff happens. Recognizing you have a valuable partner and acting accordingly can help your partner feel more valued. 

We  signal those feelings through more caring and attentive behavior—for instance, by asking clarifying questions of our partner when he or she is discussing a problem. This has profound effects.

Now to complete the circle, an appreciated partner is a grateful partner

On days when they feel more appreciated by us, they experience increases in their own feelings of gratitude. And this makes sense: What partner is more valuable than one who clearly values you?

And this is where the benefits of gratitude really take off. So now, both partners are focused on maintaining the relationship. In this way, that first moment of gratitude can spark an ongoing cycle of gratitude and generosity ♥

One to watch: Saying "Thank You" Improves Relationships

Mindful Thoughts Gratitude pt 2

This week is about gratefulness, one important pillar of Mindfulness.

There is no doubt that personal happiness is directly correlated to gratefulness, it’s the driving force of true happiness. Becoming thankful doesn’t just make you a happier person, it literally boosts your immune system, lowers blood pressure, decreases depression, improves your love life, and gives you more patience in enduring times. And you will spark joy in the lives of those around you. 

Gratitude confirms your loved ones importance for you. 

I do not want to ramble a lot of scientific facts (and there are a lot) so we focus on little exercises. Yesterday I gave you the Thank you texture to share, I added it in the notecard I will give you so you have always access to it to use and share it.

I had some really sweet reactions and comments sending it out to my Second Life friends. Bet you had the same experience?

Let's make this a once a week schedule to let those important to us we are grateful for their love and friendship 

A little task to do: when you wake up in the morning, before getting out of bed take a minute to think of something you are grateful

for. Something little or something big. It puts you in the right state of mind to start your day and it is a very easy practice that quickly becomes a habit.

I want to share with you this Ted talk from David Steindl-Rast

Dan Harris wrote this book 10% Happier and in a podcast coined this idea The ABC of gratefulness

The practice is simple and soothing, and a great thing to do when you’re tossing and turning in bed. As you go to sleep, go through the alphabet and say one thing for each letter that you’re grateful for. It can be something or someone big and powerful, or something as simple and stupid as the coffee you had in the morning. I especially enjoy the little ones because it reminds us how important and overlooked the little things are.

A — Thank you for Alexander, my husband, who loves and care for me.

B — Thank you for my Brother, always there to support me.

C — Thank you for my Car, getting me from point A to point B

Z — I’d be shocked if you make it to Z before falling asleep 😴

Mindful Thoughts Gratitude

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”

Marcel Proust

Gratitude sharpens our attention for the good and the positive in our lives, which helps us appreciate things that we tend to take for granted. 

We express gratitude by saying “thank you” to someone who has helped us or given us a gift. 

From a scientific perspective gratitude is not just an action: it is also a positive emotion that serves a biological purpose. We acknowledge the care of others. 

Scientists can actually measure the effect that gratitude is more than feeling thankful: it is a deeper appreciation for someone (or something) that produces a longer lasting positivity.  It increases the level of happiness and improves our well being. In other words it is good for us to be grateful.

Think of someone with whom you have shared happy moments or someone who has supported you and been there for you. Send them this Thank You card, you can change the name of the texture to make it personal and you can send it to as many people as you want. You can even save it to your harddisk and send to people in your rl.

Thank you for reading this! Thank you for being you!

Eckhart Tolle on negative thinking