Mindful Thought: Side Note

On Friday late I had a conversation with someone who asked me if Mindfulness makes you a better person and if that means she had to 

transform in a Sister Theresa like personality.

I have two answers for this question. Mindfulness makes you a better person and no, you do not transform into a saint.

In our Western world Mindfulness has evolved to a wellness type movement focused on being better, working better, feeling better etc. 

In Buddhism the Pali word for "mindfulness" is sati. Sati can also mean 'retention, recollection, or alertness. Mindfulness is a whole-body-and-mind awareness of the present moment. To be mindful is to be fully present, not lost in daydreams, anticipation, indulgences, or worry.

Mindfulness also means observing and releasing habits of mind that maintain the illusion of a separate self. This includes dropping the mental habit of judging everything according to whether we like it or not. Being fully mindful means being fully attentive to everything as-it-is, not filtering everything through our subjective opinions.

Here the big difference is we completely let go of the ego and therefor feel no judgment towards others as we see them not separate from ourselves 

therefor love and kindness for everyone becomes possible. What you perceive as yourself you can not harm.

This state of enlightenment is hard to achieve for most of us as we run the treadmill of our Western society and are bombarded with so many things constantly fighting for our attention. That does not mean we can't adopt and integrate the beginnings of these teachings in our lives. 

The reason why I share this with all of you is that even those small beginnings do change our life. And no, not to turn us into saints. 

Human life is suffering, on top of all things most of us have to go through there is the awareness of our own inevitable death. 

This death anxiety subconscious influences our behaviors on a psychological, spiritual, and cultural level. 

There is a relation between human violence and death.

Yet in our society aging and death are almost a taboo and we all join the race to ignore it and not talk about it. Infinite youth is a relic and worshiped 

as the ultimate goal. And this while facing and/or discussing death can actually be a meditation for living fuller lives.

Mindfulness can not cure any of the challenges we face as human beings but it can help us how to perceive them and how deeply we let them affect us.

If you have a car accident today and your car is wrecked, this can be an example human suffering. In Buddhism the car accident is not the suffering, the car accident

is an experience, what the mind does with the experience is the suffering. You can feel depressed and lost in negative thoughts for a week about your car or

the trained mind would be grateful to be alive, that it was not worse and learned from the experience. 

This is two perspectives of the same event.

Most of us do not have the trained minds of Buddhist monks so we will probably feel the more negative experience. Mindfulness can make it less worse, because

we are in the moment and aware of our thoughts and get faster out of that state of mind and at the end perhaps come to the conclusion we are grateful we are healthy and no one got hurt.

This example goes for almost everything in our lives. You will still feel sad, angry and disappointed even if you meditate every day and practice being in the present moment a few times a day. The same misfortune and negative events will still happen to you. Mindfulness will help you perceive them from another angle, 

be aware of the thoughts you have and adjust those thoughts to what is helpful.

So this does make you a better person over time and those around you will benefit from it and notice the change in you. It is however a process of win and fail and learning every time. The good thing is every day is a new day to start over ♥ 

Mindful Thoughts: Gratitude pt5

 

I start with this quote I found on a blog I linked at the bottom of this notecard, no idea who wrote it but it is a great quote to share with you ♥

“If you do not respect your whole, you cannot expect to be respected as well. Don’t let your partner love a lie, an expectation. Trust yourself. Bet on yourself. If you do this, you will be opening yourself to be really loved. It’s the only way to find real, solid love in your life.”

Self Love is not about putting yourself first in a manner it hurts those around you, nor is it posting 10 pictures on Instagram a day, that is the self-love we act out to get validation from others. 

Treating yourself to expensive meals, spending a night with someone regardless the consequences, procrastinate and delay everything to later, rejecting things that take effort, reject challenges, seeking validation and approval from others, believing it's all about you...

This may seam about self-love but it is actually not, it takes the idea of self-love too personally, while self-love is a journey that is primarily focused on the self, it doesn’t mean that you must become obnoxiously selfish, thinking of no one but yourself.

Every time you don’t get exactly what you want, you might become frustrated or annoyed, leading to a mental state that is the opposite of what self-love is supposed to achieve.

While a temporary happiness comes in the form of direct benefits – if your goals and wishes becoming fulfilled as clearly and quickly as possible- the satisfaction and happiness is short term and makes place for more disappointment, frustration and wishing things were different and total lack of gratitude.

Nothing of that will stop the nagging 'voice' or thoughts, this internalized dialog is at the root of much of our self-destructive and maladaptive behavior.

This critical inner voice is experienced as thoughts within our head. The stream of destructive thoughts forms an anti-self that discourages us from acting in our best interest.

Most common thoughts like “You’re stupid,” “You’re not attractive,” or “You’re not like other people.”

Or about your career, like “You’ll never be successful,” “No one appreciates how hard you work,” or “You are under too much pressure, you can’t handle this stress.”

Or about your relationship, such as “He doesn’t really care about you,” “You’re better off on your own,” or “Don’t be vulnerable, you’ll just get hurt.”

So what do I mean then with self-love???

Time is your most important currency, live mindfully, truthfully, and intentionally. Try to train your mind to no longer get lost in thoughts, stop jumping on the train of association. Help yourself by leaving little reminders everywhere to call yourself to the present moment.

Things to do: Hang little Post-its or Stickers in the bathroom, your office, your car, the kitchen... to remind you to be in the present moment. 

Treat yourself well; physically, emotionally. Listen to your body and your mind at the most basic level – if something doesn’t feel good, then it is probably bad for you. Protect yourself, from the dangers of both greasy food and toxic friends.

Eat healthy, exercise regularly even taking walks, sleep enough hours, and surround yourself with people that help you grow and not pull you down.

Don’t limit yourself, but don’t confuse self-love with hedonism. Moderation is good for the soul.

Treat yourself with the same respect, kindness, and mindfulness that you would offer the people who matter most to you in your life.

Love yourself with the same patience and tenderness you would give your own child, partner, sibling, or parent.

Be kind but be stern; learn to discipline, but learn to forgive. You are your own greatest fan, your own greatest rival, and your own greatest love.

Learn to see yourself in ways you have never considered.

Things to do: make a reminder to be kind to yourself. Draw a heart on your wrist, on your water bottle,

hang little smile and heart stickers on your mirror, smile at yourself. 

Most important one: stop identifying with your nagging, critical inner voice

You can take power over your critical inner voice. When you become aware of what it is telling you, you can stop it from running your life. The challenge is to identify it and ‘flush it out’. To do this, when you slip into a bad mood or become upset. Investigate: what caused the shift? What happened and, most importantly, what did you start telling yourself?

 The fact that your mood shifted from feeling good or relaxed to feeling down or irritable is probably a sign that you perceive through your critical inner voice.

When you have identified that your critical inner voice is advising you, what is it trying to get you to do? 

When you pinpoint the actions it wants you to take, take control over your critical inner voice, decide to take action against it and acting solely in your own interest.

Things to do: every time you become aware your critical inner voice is telling you negative things

answer no, not taking it and shush the voice giving it no importance.

And here we come to the most important part for self-love

Self acceptance and gratefulness for who you are right now.

You set the standards for your self-acceptance. You decide to stop grading yourself, or keeping score with yourself, you can adopt an attitude of forgiveness. In fact, once you stop your lifelong habit of assessing, and reassessing yourselves and compassionately understand your past, you'll find that there's really nothing to forgive. Of course, you can vow to do better in the future, but you can nonetheless accept yourself precisely as you are today, regardless of our shortcomings.

We don't have to actually do anything to self-accept. Only change the way we look at ourselves. Changing our behavior is a matter of personal preference but not a prerequisite for acceptance.

Focus on our positives, practice self-compassion, forgive our self for our faults.

As soon as we can give our self approval and be grateful for who we are at this moment we stop needing other's approval. 

Finally, there's no reason at all to not change the sense of your self. And we may need to remind ourselves that our various weaknesses are part of what makes us human. So in the pursuit of unconditional self-acceptance, we might even want to take a certain pride in our imperfections. After all, were we beyond criticism in the first place, we'd never have the opportunity to rise to this uniquely human challenge.

Things to do: every morning before getting out of bed take a minute to think about something you are grateful for, can be something little or the sun shining through your window, the smell of coffee or happy you woke up in time...

Great article and tips for self love

Eckhart Tolle Teachings 

Quote by Mizu: What i like to think about past/future is.. that it's like a book that is still being written... no point in thinking about past, the pages are already filled - and you can't change them anymore... and future, is empty pages... no point in thinking "wonder what will be written here", if there's still pages to be filled before it , today

Mindful Thoughts: Gratitude pt 4

 

Gratitude and Self-Love

Today we look at gratefulness and how it is intertwined with self-love.

When you take a minute to look at how much you have accomplished, for yourself or others, you feel empowered, efficient. Often, we tend to focus on the failures, or negative experiences in our lives. 

When you were little, you may have been led to believe things about yourself by your parents, family members, school, friends, religion, culture, …and you may have decided to adopt those things as truth. Some of those things may be have been positive; others were negative.

And so, you have gathered evidence that affects your ability to show gratitude and self-love. That evidence may be real. It may be false.

Often, we feel guilt, shame–and think about what we should have done. We dwell on what’s missing, or what could have been, or how we should look, or what we should have said…

Learning how to be grateful for the good things in your life can help reverse that trend and put you on a path toward self-love and a more positive outlook on life. 

Gratitude is a huge help with any stress in your life. You may be five minutes late for work every day, no matter how hard you try, but you can be thankful for the fact that your boss values your contributions to your job enough to overlook something that might be grounds for dismissal for someone else. And in times of trauma, gratitude is a huge coping method. Even though you may have just suffered a mighty blow to your life, being grateful that things could have been worse, and that you are still alive to see another day, is an effective way to draw your focus away from the negative, and eventually adjust and move on.

Be thankful for yourself!

Being happy with who you are is something to be thankful for in and of itself. So many people walk around every day, upset with themselves because of something arbitrary, and it is usually something they could change. Being grateful for yourself is the cornerstone of self-love; the more you are able to develop your sense of self-love, the more you will be able to be grateful for what is around you, and vice versa.

If you have a people-pleasing personality, you may find it hard at first to put your own thoughts and feelings before others, but the more you make yourself aware of yourself, the easier it will be to learn self-love, and to be thankful for it.

Appreciating yourself helps you build your self-esteem and self-worth as well. And all of these things combine to help you create a positive body image, as well as a positive inner sense of self. Being grateful for your body can really help when you’re sick or injured. It might also just give you the added jolt you need to appreciate your life, despite facing a current downturn.

Naming the things about ourselves that we’re grateful for, or choosing to do things differently because we have the power to see ourselves as perfect, innocent, and capable of change is a good choice. You are worthy. You are good enough, You are perfect. Curious about how to get to a place where you can say all those things to yourself and believe them? 

Tomorrow I will teach you little tasks to help you feel acceptance, appreciation and gratefulness for yourself ♥

Mindful Thought: Gratitude part 3

 

Practicing gratitude can be a game-changer: it has far reaching effects, from improving our mental health to boosting our relationships with others. And that is what I want to bring to your attention today: gratitude towards others, lovers, partners, family and friends. 

Living your life with gratitude helps you notice the little wins — like the bus showing up right on time, a stranger holding the door for you, or the sun shining through your window when you wake up in the morning. Each of these small moments string together to create a web of well-being that, over time, strengthens our ability to notice the good.

Hydonic Adaptation (fancy term for getting used to something) and negativity bias undermine our lives but also our long term relationships, we take each other for granted, we get bored, complacency.  We focus on the negative events in our lives and relationships.

Gratitude is the antidote.

Moments of gratitude help us recognize the value in our partners and friends—and a valuable partner is worth holding onto. In a number of studies researchers found this to be true, when we feel more appreciative than usual of our partners, they also report more feelings of commitment.

Gratitude has long-term consequences: The more grateful we are, the more committed we are over time. Feelings of gratitude are tied to the motivation to maintain a relationship.

Being motivated to stay in a relationship is only part of the story. We also need to act on that motivation. And gratitude is valuable here as well: experiencing gratitude also promotes behaviors that help us hold onto our relationships.

We are more thoughtful and responsive to others’ needs on days when we feel grateful for them.

We are more caring and attentive listeners during discussions—a key for promoting intimacy in relationships.  Gratitude helps us gain and maintain that intimacy. 

When we work to maintain the relationship our partner feels appreciated and 

this is where the good stuff happens. Recognizing you have a valuable partner and acting accordingly can help your partner feel more valued. 

We  signal those feelings through more caring and attentive behavior—for instance, by asking clarifying questions of our partner when he or she is discussing a problem. This has profound effects.

Now to complete the circle, an appreciated partner is a grateful partner

On days when they feel more appreciated by us, they experience increases in their own feelings of gratitude. And this makes sense: What partner is more valuable than one who clearly values you?

And this is where the benefits of gratitude really take off. So now, both partners are focused on maintaining the relationship. In this way, that first moment of gratitude can spark an ongoing cycle of gratitude and generosity ♥

One to watch: Saying "Thank You" Improves Relationships

Mindful Thought: Gratitude pt2

 

This week is about gratefulness, one important pillar of Mindfulness.

There is no doubt that personal happiness is directly correlated to gratefulness, it’s the driving force of true happiness. Becoming thankful doesn’t just make you a happier person, it literally boosts your immune system, lowers blood pressure, decreases depression, improves your love life, and gives you more patience in enduring times. And you will spark joy in the lives of those around you. 

Gratitude confirms your loved ones importance for you. 

I do not want to ramble a lot of scientific facts (and there are a lot) so we focus on little exercises. Yesterday I gave you the Thank you texture to share, I added it in the notecard I will give you so you have always access to it to use and share it.

I had some really sweet reactions and comments sending it out to my Second Life friends. Bet you had the same experience?

Let's make this a once a week schedule to let those important to us we are grateful for their love and friendship 

A little task to do: when you wake up in the morning, before getting out of bed take a minute to think of something you are grateful

for. Something little or something big. It puts you in the right state of mind to start your day and it is a very easy practice that quickly becomes a habit.

I want to share with you this Ted talk from David Steindl-Rast

Dan Harris wrote this book 10% Happier and in a podcast coined this idea The ABC of gratefulness

The practice is simple and soothing, and a great thing to do when you’re tossing and turning in bed. As you go to sleep, go through the alphabet and say one thing for each letter that you’re grateful for. It can be something or someone big and powerful, or something as simple and stupid as the coffee you had in the morning. I especially enjoy the little ones because it reminds us how important and overlooked the little things are.

A — Thank you for Alexander, my husband, who loves and care for me.

B — Thank you for my Brother, always there to support me.

C — Thank you for my Car, getting me from point A to point B

Z — I’d be shocked if you make it to Z before falling asleep 😴

Mindful Thought: Gratitude pt 1

 “Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”

Marcel Proust

Gratitude sharpens our attention for the good and the positive in our lives, which helps us appreciate things that we tend to take for granted. 

We express gratitude by saying “thank you” to someone who has helped us or given us a gift. 

From a scientific perspective gratitude is not just an action: it is also a positive emotion that serves a biological purpose. We acknowledge the care of others. 

Scientists can actually measure the effect that gratitude is more than feeling thankful: it is a deeper appreciation for someone (or something) that produces a longer lasting positivity.  It increases the level of happiness and improves our well being. In other words it is good for us to be grateful.

Think of someone with whom you have shared happy moments or someone who has supported you and been there for you. Send them this Thank You card, you can change the name of the texture to make it personal and you can send it to as many people as you want. You can even save it to your harddisk and send to people in your rl.

Thank you for reading this! Thank you for being you!

Mindful Thought: Thoughts pt4

 

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” 

Very famous words of Lao Tzu, a Chinese philosopher and the founder of Taoism

An average person has about 15,000 to 70,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts.

If we repeat those negative thoughts, we think negative way more than we think positive thoughts.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapists have a term for it — ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts).

All negative thoughts are not bad. Being alert can help you survive but most negative thoughts are useless. They only create imaginary drama in your mind.

Today I will give you an exercise to break these thinking patterns.

1. Get yourself a notebook or a writing software on your pc or smartphone

2. Make one column with:

 - your fears

 - your insecurities

 - your losses

 - things that stress you out regularly 

 - things that irritate you about other people

 

 3. Make another column or a separate list:

 

 Now, for every negative thought, write at least one positive thought:

 

- Write about what you are proud of or grateful for 

- If you’re insecure about your skills, write how much you’ve improved since you started.

- If you’ve lost a relationship in the past, write about the beautiful time you spent with each other.

- If you stress about work, write how your work is bringing positive things to other people.

- If you don’t like your coworker’s behavior, write one positive thing about that person.

Writing these thoughts down will make it become part of your thinking process. Whenever you think of a negative thought, counter it with a positive one.

Shifting perspective sounds easy. But it’s not.

It takes practice.

Make it a habit. Give yourself this challenge to balance your thoughts.

The aim is to make this habit part of your subconscious. Once it has become part of your thinking process, you will shift your perspective.

We live in either of the two mental states — A beautiful state or a suffering state.

A beautiful state is when you feel love, joy, gratitude, awe, playfulness, ease, creativity, drive, caring, growth, curiosity or appreciation.

A suffering state is when you feel stressed out, worried, frustrated, angry, depressed, irritable, overwhelmed, resentful or fearful.

To become aware you have negative thoughts set an alarm on your smartphone a few times a day or hang up post-its in your work space, mirror, car etc. So you get reminded to check your thinking patterns. 

We can practice being optimistic, make the effort and better the quality of our life that way ♥

Mindful Thought: Thoughts pt3

 Today as like a little chunk of scientific information, I want to avoid that as much as possible, on the other hand it is important to know how thoughts arise because once you know those facts it takes away a lot of their power 😀

Imagine this:

You buy a new blouse, walk around feeling all lit and getting many many compliments. Then someone makes a snarky comment and poof all good comments are gone and you no longer feel proud of your blouse... there is a big chance you never wear it again. 

Or 

You need a medical procedure and the doctor tells you 70% success rate, good right?

What if he told you: 30% chance of things going wrong? Try to get that one out of your head ! :P

It is almost impossible to turn your head when you become aware of the negative outcomes.

So why do we have this negativity bias? 

It is wired in our brain for survival! Not so long ago we needed this to stay alive!

Let's take a look where this is coming from:

We have the base of your brain, the cerebellum, Let's refer to it as the "lizard brain." You might be wondering, "What do I have in common with a lizard?" Well, all the basic functions to stay alive: Reflexive behaviors, muscle control, balance, breathing, heartbeat, feeding/digestion, and reproduction.

Our mamalian brain  (the limbic brain: amygdala and hypothalamus ) maps out safety and danger, it stores where and when to activate the lizard brain for fight, flight and freeze response. It has no concept of time or logic. This explains why your dog (a mammal) may greet you as though you've been gone for 30 years, instead of 30 minutes. 

Past, present and future are all one. Here trauma is stored and it explains why traumatized people relive the past as if it happens today.

Next to that we have the newer part of our brain: the frontal cortex 

here more complex functions are implicated: cognitive behavior, personality expression, social behavior, certain aspects of speech and language, internal goals, creativity

and imagination. 

Here the orchestration of thoughts happens!

Now if it would only be influenced by that part of the brain our thoughts would make sense and be logically mostly, sadly in the untrained mind the little maniac in our head 

is mostly driven by the  lizard and mamalian brain.  It uses the tools of fear and anger and then applies to that the wonderful skill of our newest part of the brain: imagination, the possibility to ruminate on the past and worry about the future. Your mind loves to exaggerate, give you many different versions of what could go wrong and prefers to let you imagine the worst case scenario. 

This is why when you are having a bad day or feeling down it is always associated with thoughts.

Remember the exercise we did yesterday?

It shows how easily our mind drags us through all kinds of different emotions and feelings just by thinking. 

Should you stop thinking then? 

How wonderful it would be if we just could do that, be a zebra and graze on the savanna. 

We get from 15000 to 70000 thoughts a day and there is no way to stop this.

But what we can do is not let those thoughts affect us. 

Become aware of your thinking, of your negative thinking. 

Just see them as thoughts, observe them unravel and then being replaced by yet another thought... 

The 'untrained' mind is what the Buddhists call the monkey mind as it jumps from one tree to another. Becoming aware of our thought patterns and

recognizing them is how we 'train' our mind, and we will practice this together! 

Tomorrow more on this ♥

Mindful Thoughts: Mindfulness Thoughts pt2

 

Today we explore further on thoughts and the internal dialog with a small exercise...

Close your eyes and take a deep breath and call to mind someone or something that is very dear to you, someone you love, your spouse or partner, your child or your pet or a friend...

And picture them smiling and happy. 

Notice how you are smiling in your mind, perhaps even a real smile appears on your face...

Notice how it colors your mind.

Now imagine someone or something that you do not like, and notice how it triggers anger, anxiety, regret or

grief. Notice the spectrum of thoughts and sensations changing...  This also colors your mind

Now think of something you are hoping for some time, imagine you have it or it already happened, feel that happiness and joy. Picture how grateful you are. And again notice how this colors your mind.

You can see how thoughts color your mind. How in this short time you can experience many different sensations, and this does not happen only because of me asking you.  It is happening all the time and is something you can practice on your own. 

What appears when thinking, are merely states of energy, an energy that is easily changed when your mind changes focus. 

Our practice for tomorrow; when you find yourself lost in thoughts and they are negative and coloring your mind,  just accept them and observe them as the thought itself, the state of energy.

And notice as soon as you explore that experience how quickly it loses power. 

Mindful Thought: The Inner Child

 

It is actually a medical term used in therapeutic applications in counseling and health settings.

It includes what a person learned as a child, before puberty. The inner child is often conceived as a semi-independent sub-personality subordinate to the waking conscious mind. 
The inner child encompasses the parts of our psyche that retain the qualities we all possessed as children. The joyful energies of creativity, curiosity, playfulness are potent: they can mobilize a collapsed system and be a catalyst in the healing process. 

Inner child also describes parts of us that have been deeply wounded. Various incidents in our childhood, especially highly charged ones, that left us hopeless, sad, angry, scarred and/or unsupported live unchanged in our subconscious.
Why does this happen? We simply did not have the cognition to understand what was happening and often there was no supportive presence to explain it to us. So, the emotion was left unprocessed and frozen, these early experiences leave “markers” in our body and mind, show up in adulthood as thoughts, beliefs, images and habits.

When we reconnect and resolve our childhood issues we reprogram the negative conditioning of the past with something more positive.

The cry we hear from deep in our hearts comes from the wounded child within. Healing this inner child’s pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness, and fear.
~Thich Nhat Hanh~

Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese monk who is one of most important Mindfulness teacher of our time.

Based on Dharma talks by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh and insights from participants in retreats for healing the inner child, this book is an exciting contribution to the growing trend of using Buddhist practices to encourage mental health and wellness. Reconciliation focuses on the theme of mindful awareness of our emotions and healing our relationships, as well as meditations and exercises to acknowledge and transform the hurt that many of us experienced as children. The book shows how anger, sadness, and fear can become joy and tranquility by learning to breathe with, explore, meditate, and speak about our strong emotions. Reconciliation offers specific practices designed to bring healing and release for people suffering from childhood trauma. The book is written for a wide audience and accessible to people of all backgrounds and spiritual traditions. Buy here

Thich Nhat Hanh
https://www.lionsroar.com/healing-the-child-within/

The meditation here is the key part as we use our imagination to connect with our inner child, we travel back to him or her to solve, heal and protect. When we feel anxious it is the inner child screaming, it is the inner child gasping for air. We go back in time to hold it, to show it compassion and to love it.
This can be a challenging exercise, so when you feel overwhelmed take a few deep breathes and invite someone in the imagination you trust and love that holds your hand, or holds you.
♥

Mindful Thought: Self-Esteem pt7

 

Welcome to day 7 of the Seven Days of Self-Esteem

Today we gonna explore one of the biggest impediments to a healthy self-esteem: the quest for perfection

From the time we were young we feel the pressure for perfection, in school, in our career, in relation ships and in physical appearance.
In our attempts to attain perfection our attention is constantly drawn to our flaws, we berate our self for falling short or we are unable to let go of mistakes.
Our relentless inner critic robes us from the ability of feeling satisfaction and happiness even when we reach a goal.
Our best is never good enough.
This unattainable quest for perfection diminishes our self-esteem.
It doesn't allow us to accept who we are.

Many of us have this idea that striving for perfection and constantly critique our flaws propels us towards success but beating ourselves up doesn't further us towards goals.
It depletes our confidence which makes us less likely to take risks.
If we want to be happy we want our self esteem to grow
We have to let go of our perfectionist tendencies.
We want to learn that our achievements don't equal our self worth and the process is equal as important as the goal.
Raising our self esteem involves appreciating all we CAN do and honoring all that we can't.
It involves recognizing that our best is good enough.

Changing our views and perspective is not an easy task, raising ones self-esteem requires patience, time and effort.
The ideas we have about ourselves are often with us for years.
So keep an eye out for your inner critic, 
be mindful of black and white thinking or jumping to conclusions.
And saying -should- far to often.
Catch yourself when you have self critical or self defeating judgments
and practice re-framing those believes.
Surround yourself with loving friends who accept you.
Celebrate your efforts not only your achievements,
accept that sometimes you have success and sometimes you fail and neither outcome determines your worth.
Drop the habit of comparison and invite in self compassion.
Let go of perfectionist tendencies and when you notice them practice loving kindness and as your acceptance for yourself grows so will your self esteem.
We will repeat this program often as a reminder and to strengthen your practice. 
As your self esteems roars so will your happiness and your peace of mind.

Uplifting Ted Talk : The perfection detox | Petra Kolber

Mindful Thought: Self-Esteem part 6

 

Welcome to day 6 of the Seven Days of Self-Esteem

On Friday we focused on cultivating self-compassion. Today we talk about the #1 reason for low

self esteem: comparisons.

The activity of comparing one's self with others is a major trigger for a plummet in self esteem, a shame reaction. Shame fills the gap between what- ideally- we would like to be, do and have, and what we see ourselves as actually being, doing, and having. The bigger the gap, the greater the pain. 
The trouble is that when we enter the state of comparing, our perception is distorted. We become blind to our own value, while devaluing or dismissing the real worth we have.

We are raised in a society that teaches us to compare ourselves with others. In many families parents use comparisons to try to control the behaviors of the children. "Look at the grades Luna got. You could do as well if you put more effort into it." Or "Josie is so pretty and thin. Wouldn't you like to lose those 20 pounds?" 
Not only parents, but school settings try to encourage students to do "better than" others. Peer groups form around those who have more or "better" qualities of the group. Jocks are thought to have more athletic ability; the Nerds, more technical and/or intellectual abilities, Beauty Queens, more beauty and popularity.
The media shows us how we are to look, what we should think, and be like. Plastic surgeons have had a run on Angelina Jolie lips. Anorexia sufferers plaster the tabloids.
All those comparisons we make, separate us from human connectedness.
If we compare ourselves and conclude that we are less, we feel depleted and depressed and we withdraw, hide, get away from others so they won't see us as unlovable or incapable. The human connectedness fades and we feel alone.

Social media is like kerosene poured on the flame of social comparison. In the past there was hardly any exposure to other people's triumphs, now such news is at our fingertips constantly, updating us about a greater range of people and we constantly look/ like/comment at others through the rose-tinted glasses and filters of Facebook, Instagram and more.

On social media we observe people accolades and achievements without having an insight to their challenges.
We compare our worst moment to their best one. When we're reliant on others for our sense of self, only feeling good if we get positive feedback or markers of status, we're at risk for depression. In western culture to have a high self esteem we have this sense that we have to be special or above average, to prove we are better we become competitive. This heighten false sense of self esteem is linked to our most recent success or failure, so our self worth is totally dependent on our circumstances.

Self compassion is unconditional.

So we want to drop our comparing and practice self compassion.

When we are committed to our own well being and recognize the harm we do to ourselves by comparisons, we can decide to stop.

If you start to compare, ask yourself the following:

Do I have all the information?

Am I judging fairly, or using someone’s success to make myself feel like a failure?

Will comparing make me feel better or worse about myself? Be honest!

We can commit to telling ourselves something like, "I refuse to be so mean to myself (or the other). I am merely different from him/her. I have my own unique value." At first it may be a struggle to replace your self talk. But with practice, often the hurtful comparisons will stop as soon as you recognize that you are making them.

Here also the 3 pillars of self-compassion work: kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.

When you are aware of your self talk, be kind to yourself and replace those thoughts. Know that no matter how pretty, successful or rich someone is, they still have their own way to suffer. Success, money and good looks are not the factors for happiness. Look at the statistics on suicide.

Being happy lies within us, by accepting who we are and offering our self kindness and compassion.
By being grateful for what we have instead of longing for what we don't or can't have. 
The more you let go of social comparison, the deeper your will accept yourself and embrace the unique aspects of who you are, including success and failure.

Good read at Tiny Buddha about comparisons here 

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others (A Flower Blooms)

Beautiful quote: A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms. ~Zen Shin~

Mindful Thoughts: Self- Esteem part 5

 

Welcome to day 5 of Seven Days of Self-Esteem!

Today we will expand on the topic we talked about yesterday self-acceptance. One of the key aspects of self acceptance is self compassion. 
Our society is deeply in love with success, we fail to notice the scale of the challenges we routinely set ourselves. 
Just think about what human beings are in their natural state,
just as animals we were part of a tribe and we took care of each other, protected each other, foraging, hunting and stress was confined to moments of danger. 

We were successful as a group, we benefited from working together. 

Today it is individuals that are successful and it always is at cost of other human beings, animals or nature as a whole.
There is nothing remotely normal about what we are trying to achieve.

Most of us are not  properly equipped by our histories. We need to consider the course of our lives as a whole. There were things which happened to us at the hands of others which can help to explain our current failures. We were not responsible for everything. We are in part victims of things beyond our control. We are not in complete command of who we are,  therefore not be held to account for everything.
Failure is not unique, in fact there is always a high possibility of failure. Failure is rarely spoken about. It is taboo on tv, magazines and media (unless it is some major juicy blow-up)
but statistically, what has happened to us was always going to be more likely. People who are even more talented than us failed or did not succeed. 
It is not just you, it was the mountain to climb.  

Our society doesn't allow the indulgence of believing in luck. We have to take responsibility for everything. The common opinion is winners make their own luck. They don’t. Luck is a genuine feature of existence. We are robbing ourselves of an honest consolation by believing that we are entirely in control – and therefore entirely to blame when we crash. We are not losers in a game that is fair. 
Your essential lovability does not have to be at stake. You are not only your achievements. Status and material success is one bit of you, but there are lots of other parts too. 
You are kind, interesting, witty, sensitive, bold, imaginative… Modern society has over-emphasised certain conditions for love, pegging them too neatly to a narrow range of victories. You should be allowed to exist and tolerate yourself without these badges.

You are exhausted, and panicked. You can’t see how you could move on from this. That’s not the truth, it’s merely how it feels when self-criticism has destroyed every bit of confidence. You need time without pressure. You need to sleep and nurture yourself. We have grown too good at giving the case to the prosecution. Shut out the voice of Duty and Anger.
Self-compassion is different from saying you are innocent. It’s trying to be pretty gentle and understanding about why you failed. You made a mistake, but you deserve to exist with dignity and to be understood and forgiven. It’s a fundamental right for us all.

In a nutshell self-compassion involves being kind and loving to ourself.

There are 3 components to self-compassion:

The first one is kindness.
So rather than be harshly critical we treat ourselves the way we would treat good friend, with encouragement, love and patience.

The second component of self compassion is common humanity.
Rather than focusing on how we are different from others, self-compassion can help us view our similarities.
We recognize that inadequacies, imperfections and challenges are all part of our shared human experience, 
not something that just happens to us alone. Billions of us struggle with the exact same things. 
It lessens our self judgment and connects us to others.

The third aspect of self compassion is mindfulness. 
It offers us a balanced perspective, and allows us to observe our experiences with openness and clarity.
It helps us face and accept life without judgment and reactivity.

Combined these 3 aspects of self-compassion provide a refuge from our critical mind
and enhance our overall acceptance of life.

When we practice self compassion, we offer our self better care 
it inspires us to make nurturing choices and attract loving respectful relationships.
Instead of berating ourselves for our mistakes, we offer our self forgiveness rather than focusing on our flaws. 
We let go of the need to be perfect.
With compassion we are worthy just the way we are.
As a way to bring the practice of compassion into  your life,
Be mindful of your inner language, whenever possible re-frame your self talk so it is kind, loving and compassionate.
Give yourself a break, turn back to nature, shower yourself with the little things in life that feel good, the sun on your face, bare feet in the grass, a warm bath.
Focus on what is positive about yourself and in your life, don't linger on the past or worry about the future.
Forgive yourself easily and learn from your mistakes
and remind yourself:
Self-acceptance is where happiness lies! ♥

https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion

Mindful Thoughts: Self-Esteem pt4

Welcome to day 4 of the 7 days of Self-Esteem

One of the key ingredients to healthy self esteem is the practice of self acceptance
That is because self acceptance helps us feel good about ourselves independent of our flaws, mistakes and failures. It helps us release our self judgments and embrace all facets of who we are.

Self acceptance is unconditional, so suddenly we are not reliant on our achievements and accolades to build our self worth, free from the pressure to constantly fix ourselves. 
We're being none-judgmental affirming our qualities and attributes, accepting our strengths and weaknesses.

Imagine how liberating it would feel if our happiness and self worth weren't depending on future oriented thoughts... like I be happy when...
or once I achieve this or that I see my self as successful.
Self acceptance allows us to be satisfied with who we are in the status of our live as it is because our self worth isn't based on conditions.

To be clear, with a healthy dose of self acceptance, we don't suddenly begin ignoring or denying our faults
or lose our motivation to grow.
But we can accept ourselves as we are regardless of our shortcomings, we don't have to wait for something to change before we can like ourselves.
The only thing we have to change is how we view ourselves.

The more we develop none judgmental acceptance through meditation the more instinctual it becomes 
in daily life.
Developing this quality takes practice and no change happens over night, 
much of our self critical and berating nature can go by unnoticed for years. 
The more we pay attention to our self talk the more we notice how hard we can be on ourselves.
So try paying attention to your level of self acceptance through the day or if you are constantly judging yourself.
Instead of telling yourself you must be successful to have self worth see what it feels like to drop your judgments, reminding yourself that your value isn't determined by your level of success.
All you can do is do your best and that is enough.

Take a moment to infuse your mind, body and heart with none- judgmental acceptance.
See if you can accept everything as it is in this moment, with all the aspects of who you are.

Be kind to yourself, turn critical negative thoughts about yourself around and replace them with kinder versions, accept all imperfections, life is perfection in all its imperfections. 

Forgive yourself for mistakes you think you made, forgive yourself if things don't change quickly enough. Believe in yourself, believe that you can do anything because you can. 

When you fall get up and keep going, failures are the best way to learn things about ourselves, figure out what motivates you by celebrating something you are bad at. 
Self acceptance happens in the now so let go of ruminating or regretting the past, let go of worry about the future trying to control things you can not control. 

Take a deep breathe and accept who you are in this very moment.
Look at yourself through the eyes of a dear friend, accepting you, just as you are, not as you think you are supposed to be.

You're worth it and you deserve to be happy!

What is self-acceptance?

Mindful Thought: Self-Esteem part 3

Hopefully over the past few days you've gained a deeper understanding of what self esteem is and how our opinions about ourselves are formed.

Today we gonna talk about the #1 factor responsible for building or diminishing our self esteem:
our very own thoughts

You see it is not our external situation that creates our self worth,
it is not the amount of money in our bank account or the number on the scale. 
Those things contribute but where it comes down to is, our self esteem is based on what we tell ourselves,
and how we speak to ourselves is directly linked to how we feel.
When our self talk is neutral or positive it isn't generally a problem,
but when our thoughts are self critical, self defeating, automatic and repetitious, they have the power to significantly diminish our self esteem.

We've grown so custom to hear this thoughts we don't challenge them, even though they may not be true.
Out of habit we just keep repeating them over and over.
For example if we lack confidence in the area of dating and romance due to a past projection,
we might repeatedly think of our self as inadequate. 
And if so it is unlikely we ask anyone out again.

If we challenge that believe and re-frame it with a more balanced and compassionate one, 
where we congratulate our courage for taking that risk and we remind our self there are other fish in the sea and we have plenty to offer the right person,
that kind of healthy self talk will raise our self esteem.

We want to challenge our tendencies to over generalize, to see things in black and white
or focus on the negative while discounting the positive, 
so instead of telling ourselves we are foolish for making a mistake,
we might remind our self we are human, it is ok to trip.

This can be hard to do at first so a helpful practice is to consider:
What would you tell a friend who said the same thing?
We tend to be far more kind and compassionate to our friends than we are to ourselves.
So reflect on those self critical or self defeating thoughts
and replace them with a kinder more balanced one.

The more often thoughts go by unchallenged the stronger they become,
so we want to pay attention to our inner critic,
and as we began yesterday start to question the validity of our thoughts.
Once we've done that we can take the next step and re-frame them. 
The more we take attention of our self critical believes the more skilled we become in catching and re-framing them,
when that happens we begin to see the person we deserve to see when looking in the mirror,
and we feel a kind affection for ourselves in our heart.

Jim Kwik: How to End Negative Self-Talk

Cognitive Reframing - How Do You Talk To Yourself?

Core Beliefs - The Driving Force Behind Your Thoughts And Actions

Mindful Thought: Self-Esteem part 2

Yesterday we took a look on how our self esteem is based on the opinions we have about ourselves.

So lets explore where does opinions come from. It's no surprise they are formed by several aspects:

Our achievements, our relationships and whether we are connected to a larger purpose, these are all contributing factors.

But most of our opinions about ourselves were actually developed in our formative years, the events that took place in our childhood and adolescence largely mold our self esteem. Our parents and the people who raised us have the most significant influence on how we feel about ourselves. 

For example if we were fortunate enough to have parents who listen to us, respected us, commended our efforts and offered support we be likely to develop high self esteem. If we had family members who are harshly critical of us, were abusive or expected perfection, their hurtful comments may lowered our self esteem.

Even if criticism directed at us didn't hold any truth they can stick with us sometimes for life, whether we were accepted or rejected by our peers, if we had allies or if we were bullied, all our experiences and interactions influence the positive and negative feelings we have about ourselves.

You see our self esteem is extremely fragile and impressionable. Negative messages have the potential to seep into our unconscious mind without us even recognize it. The good news is that by examining those critical believes we have the ability to change and transform it.

We will explore that shortly in the meditation:

In the state of stillness and reflect on what brought you back to his program once again, bringing to mind the area of life you selected yesterday. And with that area in  mind, reflect on a criticism or self defeating believe you may have, any reoccurring negative statement you tell yourself regularly, that impacts your self esteem, one that lessens your value self worth or competency

And just notice how that criticism makes you feel, often our critical believes are inspired by other people, our parents, our peers,  through media and culture. There may be a specific event that influences that notion, so you maybe able to trace that criticism or believe believe back to a time in your past, regardless if whether you can recall the origin of the criticism.

Ask yourself the following question:

what if that believe isn't true? what if it is only partly true? what if it is an exaggeration or an assumption? or misinterpretation? and that believe is hurting us?

Thoughts come into our unconscious mind and become our core believes, but the good news now matter how ingrained they are,  its possible to let them go...

So the next question is: are you ready to do that? are you willing to release that criticism? or are you at least willing to see how it would feel to be free of that believe?

8 Signs of Low Self Esteem

Mindful Thoughts: Self-Esteem part 1

 

Welcome to the 7 days of self-esteem a mindfulness program that explores self esteem and the ways to enhance it 

It's interesting how sometimes a person you never met can walk into a room an you can detect if they have high or low self esteem. A timid voice poor social skills, a lack of assertiveness or the opposite aggressive nature all point to signs of low self esteem. But a head held high, a wide smile, a confident, humble kind demeanor, these are all qualities of someone with high self esteem 

Everyone wants it but unfortunately we can't achieve it by snapping our fingers . Self esteem is a complex concept.

So let's start with the definition...

Our self esteem is based on how much we value ourselves and how competent we feel in life. To be clear, it is different from self confidence. Our self confidence is wrapped up in our ability to do something successfully. Self-esteem is our sense of how worthy and capable we are, it refers to the extent to which we like, accept and approve of ourselves.

Now we all have higher opinions of certain aspects of ourselves and lower opinions of other aspects. So the question is where do these opinions come from.

Over the next 7 days, we will explore how self esteem is developed and how to improve it. You learn techniques to challenge your thoughts, quiet your inner critic, soften your perfectionist ways and drop your comparisons.You also develop the ability to enhance your level of self acceptance and self compassion. The good news about self esteem is that it is possible to improve it with the right tools and an effort to change. With a new found self worth we have the ability to become centered and confident in our true self

Meditation piece: 

bringing your attention inward to contemplate what brings you to this program, is there a specific area you like to improve in your relationship with your self esteem

take a moment to think about what that might be perhaps your physical appearance and body image, your relationships, confidence in the romance department, work, career or education, health and fitness, or your habits discipline and behavior.

What is what matters most to you now? The idea here  is not to judge ourselves, it's merely to gain insight. Deepening our awareness is the first step to change, a change that will inspire a more balanced and positive reflection of who you are rather than berating yourself for your shortcomings

You learn to view them as opportunities for growth rather than accepting your critical believes as facts, you learn how to challenge their validity and more regularly shower yourself with love and self acceptance in appreciation of your curious and courageous nature.

Commending yourself into this work of insight, keeping in mind that all your strengths and weaknesses make you human and unique and every moment is an opportunity to grow in your self acceptance 

Audiobook The Psychology of Self Esteem:

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem:

7 Days of Self-Esteem is based on the Tamara Levitt program and sits behind pay wall in the Calm app so I can sadly not link to it ♥ To purchase a subscription: https://www.calm.com/

Mindful Thought: Turbulent times, covid19, a heart less heavy

 

As days of isolation and social distancing turn into weeks into months, many of us are feeling increasingly uprooted from our normal lives. In a world on lockdown, it isn’t just our routines that are being disrupted, but our relationships too. I think it is safe to say the state of the world causes many of us fear and anxiety as we move through a time of upheaval and uncertainty. It is easy to become consumed with the problems of the world or otherwise shut down and hide away.

So the question becomes: Is it possible to face and hold what is happening around us without getting swept away by fear or anger?

I believe it is possible... but in order to stay open and informed about our world we also need to create space and find grounding

As the mind wanders into thoughts or if anxiety surfaces, we can just entangle from the habits of thinking or worrying, by returning to the present moment. This is the practice of mindfulness, remembering where we are, right here, right now not getting lost in an unknown future, trying to fix things or get swept away by a story.This isn't really helpful and simply enhances our fear and anxiety.

We can train ourselves to come back to the present moment.

Over and over again.

If thoughts or worry or anxiety continues to surface it might be a sign that we need to tend to our emotions. If mentioning the word anxiety creates a tightness in your chest or a flutter in your stomach, let's feel into the sensations that arrive, see if we can allow those feelings to surface without getting into a story of them, bring a sense of curiosity to whatever is arising, just observing without getting caught up in the actual content.

Is it possible to gently ride the wave?

In doing this our reactivity doesn't get a hold and we stay present to what surfaces with a calm compassionate heart

And this is where the practice can support us, this grounding place, where we can allow our emotions to arise and allow to float through us with kind compassionate attention. This doesn't mean it is easy to hold fear and anxiety but meditation offers us an anchor, to ground ourselves in the midst of the chaos of life.

With that stability we gain a more spacious perspective that allows us to more skillfully cope with turbulent times. If we can settle our mind, we can find wisdom ad courage and action can be taken. We can change how we relate to uncertainty, recognizing that it's often our own stories and projections that heighten our unfounded fears. And as our mindfulness practice grows so does our ability to hold that which feels unholdable

We are better able to find some calm within the chaos and move through the uncertainties of life. Remember your practice is always here to turn to for refuge, no matter how difficult it may seem at times.

It is within you to calm and ground yourself so your mind is more settled, your heart less heavy

As Nayyirah Waheed said:

If the ocean can calm itself so can you, we are both salt water mixed with air

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html

(based on the work of Tamara Levitt, author for Calm) 

Mindful Thought: Screen Addiction

 Have you ever noticed how easy it is to lose precious time – minutes become hours – checking, liking, heart-ing, commenting, reading the next suggested article or watching just one more show? Whatever your digital kryptonite — online shopping, social media, video games, Netflix — it's so easy to get hooked.  

Without even thinking about it we spend hours in front of screens each day. Meanwhile, it can be hard to give ourselves 10 minutes to sit and meditate, curl up with a book, or be present with the person sitting across from us. There’s nothing inherently wrong with using social media or watching screens; the trouble is when these habits start taking more from us than they're giving.

Social media and screen addiction isn’t something to be ashamed or embarrassed about, but rather something that we can cultivate awareness around so that we can make choices that nourish and empower us rather than deplete, distract and demoralize us. 

The truth is that billions of dollars are being spent by ingenious people to feed this still new but growing addiction. Companies are using everything they know about how the brain works to keep us coming back for more. This can have an unsettling impact on our day-to-day lives. The good news is that we can build our awareness and understanding in order to shift our relationship with social media and screens and claim back a big chunk of time that we unwittingly give away each day. 

Social and news channels are designed to hook you and, as a result, leave us feeling hyper-stimulated and overwhelmed. Better containing the time you spend on these channels and practice finding a balance of staying informed and nourishing yourself with offline time.  

In the latest Calm Masterclass, Dr. Adam Alter, psychologist, academic and author of The New York Times bestseller, Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology, discusses Social Media & Screen Addiction – and how to beat it:

Find his bestseller book here. The Dark Side of Screen Time with Adam Alter, PhD

Mindful Checklist

 I made this Mindful Checklist for the Center members, you can pick it up at the Soul Meet (it sits against the coffee counter in the back)  I added the texture full permissions so you can download it to your HD and print it out as a reminder for rl too.

- We start our day with being grateful, being grateful is the right state of our mind to begin a new day full of new opportunities. 

- Smile at yourself in the mirror, say you loud I love ME! Self-Love is the start of being a well balanced human being, many of us are constantly very critical on our self. Being more accepting and none judgmental is the start of a healthy relationship with ourself.

- Be kind to someone! Try to say a few nice words to someone or help someone. Even though you do this not for yourself, it will influence your mood and appreciation for yourself. 

- Have a positive thought about yourself. Doing this releases the feel good hormones like serotonin!

- Stay in the moment! When you find yourself lost in thoughts, ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, gently and lovingly bring yourself to the now. Appreciate the things that are now and focus on what and who is around you.

- Meditate! Find a few minutes every day to sit quiet and meditate, settling and finding some inner peace, as much as 2 minutes is helping and can create the habit of doing it every day. Close your eyes and bring your awareness to the breathe ♥