Today we talk about Mindful Sex. We talked about relationships last week and how being in the present and aware of our
thoughts and emotions helps to overcome the suffering they can cause. This week we transition to the body.
Sex is tricky to talk about. It’s either too much information or not enough.
And it’s probably the most subjective thing you’re likely to have an opinion on.
This lecture is by no means vulgar or meant to induce arousal
I do not want to offend anyone, if however you feel that, please quietly leave
and accept my apologies before hand.
If you look at sex from a biological point of view we can see sex as a reproductive function,
our continued existence as a species depends on it
The facts however undermine this assumption:
People continue to engage in sex long after they stopped having children
In fact, most sex happening around the world is not related to reproduction at all
Is physical pleasure or genital stimulation the important component in the decision to have sex?
If it’s pleasure you want, if you desire a nice orgasm, you'll get there faster—and cheaper,
with more certainty and less risk of pregnancy and disease—through masturbation.
So why are we craving sex with a partner?
And why, when we do masturbate, are we fantasizing about him or her or about someone, anyway?
It turns out that the deep experience of sexual pleasure depends somehow on the presence,
and conduct, of others.
For us, power and meaning emerge through making connections.
Sexual desire, is not aimed at physical pleasure alone but at connectedness with others.
Sexual pleasure is fundamentally a social construct and is derived from the synchronized cooperation between people.
Sex becomes truly pleasurable when we form a meaningful bond with another human being.
This is why paying for sex and porn even though it gives the scratch to the itch will overtime
leave most of us with a feeling of emptiness, lack of intimacy and distorts the perception of what sex is like.
This feeling of connection with yourself and/or your partner is where
mindfulness comes in. For some people mindfulness during sex comes naturally, being in the present
is a beautiful gift for the other.
For most if us it is natural for our mind to wander. Our mind wanders, anxiety eats away at the edges of our awareness and enjoyment.
We play pornographic movies in our mind, evaluate our own performance, worry about things in the past or the future,
wondering what our butt look likes, there is ample opportunity to zone out.
Often we start to associate sex with bad experiences like premature ejaculation
or breaking condoms, or not being happy about our bodies.
Our brain is wired to look out for threats, anything negative will leave a much deeper
expression, what we talked about before negative bias
All of this can make sex more trouble than it is worth with negative consequences for our relationships
The biggest cause for sexual problems today is stress
This can come from outside sources or from within.
If you’re a zebra and a lion attacks, stress makes sense.
When we feel threatened, our bodies secrete adrenaline and cortisol to deal with
short-term physical crises. Evolution gave us this stress response so we
could escape lions, and it’s great for that.
Trouble is, that same stress response kicks in when we’re faced with everyday worries,
from traffic jams to utility bills.
Cortisol is a hormone that is absolutely crucial for life. Without it we would not be able to
survive. However, when we live in chronic strain, worry, and stress, the adrenal glands
produce relatively high amounts of cortisol. The problem with cortisol is that our bodies
are not meant to be exposed to these relatively high amounts for long periods of time.
Cortisol decreases your immunity, it increases inflammation, it increases abdominal fat,
it breaks down muscle bone and connective tissue, it inhibits thyroid hormone activation
it gives erectile dysfunction,
for women with high cortisol levels it is actually physically impossible to have an orgasm
And here practicing Mindfulness comes in:
Mindfulness is about learning to focus our attention on whatever we are experiencing,
moment to moment, with open-minded curiosity and compassion rather than judgment.
Meditation affects the premotor cortex, he specific part of your brain that activates mirror neurons.
Mirror neurons let you feel things that you see do others, for example when you see a comedy or a sad movie, when someone falls or cut their hand.
These are your mirror neurons at work.
This is why you are aroused when you see your partner getting aroused.
They say sex happens between the ears and for a good part this is true, for fantasies and imagination, but to have a
fulfilling sex experience we need to feel it with our body.
Mindfulness helps you pull away from the mind and experience sex completely with your body and senses.
How do you practice mindfulness during sex?
First minimize distractions. Turn off the television. Silence your phone. Put Fido or Fluffy in the other room.
Be aware, when your mind wanders bring it back to your breathing and the sensations in your body.
Breathe down to the abdomen to give energy to the sexual regions of your body. Sync the rhythm of your breathing with your
partner.
Let go of expectations. There is no pressure to be perfect, to perform, or to orgasm.
You and your lover, your bodies, and your time together are to be enjoyed. Period.
Focus your attention on your sensual awareness. Use your senses to stay aware, taste, smell, touch, sounds. Explore your partner's
body mindfully: the curvature of the body, the softness, the slipperiness... immerse yourself in the sensations.
Let go of the need to control. Trust in yourself, your lover and the process. Unplug from shame. Your body and your life are gifts to express your divine union with your lover
Together with your partner, explore each other and connect at a different, deeper dimension.
A little bit of oom can lead to a lot of ahh :D
