Mindful Thought: Self-Esteem pt7

 

Welcome to day 7 of the Seven Days of Self-Esteem

Today we gonna explore one of the biggest impediments to a healthy self-esteem: the quest for perfection

From the time we were young we feel the pressure for perfection, in school, in our career, in relation ships and in physical appearance.
In our attempts to attain perfection our attention is constantly drawn to our flaws, we berate our self for falling short or we are unable to let go of mistakes.
Our relentless inner critic robes us from the ability of feeling satisfaction and happiness even when we reach a goal.
Our best is never good enough.
This unattainable quest for perfection diminishes our self-esteem.
It doesn't allow us to accept who we are.

Many of us have this idea that striving for perfection and constantly critique our flaws propels us towards success but beating ourselves up doesn't further us towards goals.
It depletes our confidence which makes us less likely to take risks.
If we want to be happy we want our self esteem to grow
We have to let go of our perfectionist tendencies.
We want to learn that our achievements don't equal our self worth and the process is equal as important as the goal.
Raising our self esteem involves appreciating all we CAN do and honoring all that we can't.
It involves recognizing that our best is good enough.

Changing our views and perspective is not an easy task, raising ones self-esteem requires patience, time and effort.
The ideas we have about ourselves are often with us for years.
So keep an eye out for your inner critic, 
be mindful of black and white thinking or jumping to conclusions.
And saying -should- far to often.
Catch yourself when you have self critical or self defeating judgments
and practice re-framing those believes.
Surround yourself with loving friends who accept you.
Celebrate your efforts not only your achievements,
accept that sometimes you have success and sometimes you fail and neither outcome determines your worth.
Drop the habit of comparison and invite in self compassion.
Let go of perfectionist tendencies and when you notice them practice loving kindness and as your acceptance for yourself grows so will your self esteem.
We will repeat this program often as a reminder and to strengthen your practice. 
As your self esteems roars so will your happiness and your peace of mind.

Uplifting Ted Talk : The perfection detox | Petra Kolber

Mindful Thought: Self-Esteem part 6

 

Welcome to day 6 of the Seven Days of Self-Esteem

On Friday we focused on cultivating self-compassion. Today we talk about the #1 reason for low

self esteem: comparisons.

The activity of comparing one's self with others is a major trigger for a plummet in self esteem, a shame reaction. Shame fills the gap between what- ideally- we would like to be, do and have, and what we see ourselves as actually being, doing, and having. The bigger the gap, the greater the pain. 
The trouble is that when we enter the state of comparing, our perception is distorted. We become blind to our own value, while devaluing or dismissing the real worth we have.

We are raised in a society that teaches us to compare ourselves with others. In many families parents use comparisons to try to control the behaviors of the children. "Look at the grades Luna got. You could do as well if you put more effort into it." Or "Josie is so pretty and thin. Wouldn't you like to lose those 20 pounds?" 
Not only parents, but school settings try to encourage students to do "better than" others. Peer groups form around those who have more or "better" qualities of the group. Jocks are thought to have more athletic ability; the Nerds, more technical and/or intellectual abilities, Beauty Queens, more beauty and popularity.
The media shows us how we are to look, what we should think, and be like. Plastic surgeons have had a run on Angelina Jolie lips. Anorexia sufferers plaster the tabloids.
All those comparisons we make, separate us from human connectedness.
If we compare ourselves and conclude that we are less, we feel depleted and depressed and we withdraw, hide, get away from others so they won't see us as unlovable or incapable. The human connectedness fades and we feel alone.

Social media is like kerosene poured on the flame of social comparison. In the past there was hardly any exposure to other people's triumphs, now such news is at our fingertips constantly, updating us about a greater range of people and we constantly look/ like/comment at others through the rose-tinted glasses and filters of Facebook, Instagram and more.

On social media we observe people accolades and achievements without having an insight to their challenges.
We compare our worst moment to their best one. When we're reliant on others for our sense of self, only feeling good if we get positive feedback or markers of status, we're at risk for depression. In western culture to have a high self esteem we have this sense that we have to be special or above average, to prove we are better we become competitive. This heighten false sense of self esteem is linked to our most recent success or failure, so our self worth is totally dependent on our circumstances.

Self compassion is unconditional.

So we want to drop our comparing and practice self compassion.

When we are committed to our own well being and recognize the harm we do to ourselves by comparisons, we can decide to stop.

If you start to compare, ask yourself the following:

Do I have all the information?

Am I judging fairly, or using someone’s success to make myself feel like a failure?

Will comparing make me feel better or worse about myself? Be honest!

We can commit to telling ourselves something like, "I refuse to be so mean to myself (or the other). I am merely different from him/her. I have my own unique value." At first it may be a struggle to replace your self talk. But with practice, often the hurtful comparisons will stop as soon as you recognize that you are making them.

Here also the 3 pillars of self-compassion work: kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.

When you are aware of your self talk, be kind to yourself and replace those thoughts. Know that no matter how pretty, successful or rich someone is, they still have their own way to suffer. Success, money and good looks are not the factors for happiness. Look at the statistics on suicide.

Being happy lies within us, by accepting who we are and offering our self kindness and compassion.
By being grateful for what we have instead of longing for what we don't or can't have. 
The more you let go of social comparison, the deeper your will accept yourself and embrace the unique aspects of who you are, including success and failure.

Good read at Tiny Buddha about comparisons here 

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others (A Flower Blooms)

Beautiful quote: A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms. ~Zen Shin~