At this point we all have a deep
understanding of fear and sacrifice. We all know what it feels like to be alone
and afraid. Perhaps these emotions are stemming from something deeper. Perhaps
our fear and sadness are a result of feeling powerless. Many of us do not yet
understand the power that lies within us, the change we can insight, and the
transformation just waiting for us at the other end of this pandemic.
Before anything else, we must
acknowledge where we feel powerless. If we want to transform and heal, we must
first accept where we are in pain. What part of this pandemic is the most
stressful for you? Where do you feel a lack of control? Acknowledge how that
makes you feel… Breathe deeply. In this moment, just be, with your
feelings of powerlessness.
What we once knew as normal is
changing. Shifting. Transforming. How is this an opportunity to transform? …
How are you willing to shift?
Our world is evolving. This
experience is transformative for each and every person individually. And we're
all connected. Linked. Intertwined. Thus, this will change our world.
· Be aware of how resilient you have been in this
time.
· Be aware of how resilient your community has
been at this time.
· Be aware of how resilient each person has been
in this time.
Within the world there are the
communities. Within the communities there are the individuals. And within each
individual there is such power and compassion. Power to incite change. To grow
and shift. To transform. Even in the most painful situations.
It is actually a medical term used in therapeutic applications in counseling and health settings.
It includes what a person learned as a child, before puberty. The inner child is often conceived as a semi-independent sub-personality subordinate to the waking conscious mind. The inner child encompasses the parts of our psyche that retain the qualities we all possessed as children. The joyful energies of creativity, curiosity, playfulness are potent: they can mobilize a collapsed system and be a catalyst in the healing process.
Inner child also describes parts of us that have been deeply wounded. Various incidents in our childhood, especially highly charged ones, that left us hopeless, sad, angry, scarred and/or unsupported live unchanged in our subconscious. Why does this happen? We simply did not have the cognition to understand what was happening and often there was no supportive presence to explain it to us. So, the emotion was left unprocessed and frozen, these early experiences leave “markers” in our body and mind, show up in adulthood as thoughts, beliefs, images and habits.
When we reconnect and resolve our childhood issues we reprogram the negative conditioning of the past with something more positive.
The cry we hear from deep in our hearts comes from the wounded child within. Healing this inner child’s pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness, and fear. ~Thich Nhat Hanh~
Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese monk who is one of most important Mindfulness teacher of our time.
Based on Dharma talks by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh and insights from participants in retreats for healing the inner child, this book is an exciting contribution to the growing trend of using Buddhist practices to encourage mental health and wellness. Reconciliation focuses on the theme of mindful awareness of our emotions and healing our relationships, as well as meditations and exercises to acknowledge and transform the hurt that many of us experienced as children. The book shows how anger, sadness, and fear can become joy and tranquility by learning to breathe with, explore, meditate, and speak about our strong emotions. Reconciliation offers specific practices designed to bring healing and release for people suffering from childhood trauma. The book is written for a wide audience and accessible to people of all backgrounds and spiritual traditions. Buy here
The meditation here is the key part as we use our imagination to connect with our inner child, we travel back to him or her to solve, heal and protect. When we feel anxious it is the inner child screaming, it is the inner child gasping for air. We go back in time to hold it, to show it compassion and to love it. This can be a challenging exercise, so when you feel overwhelmed take a few deep breathes and invite someone in the imagination you trust and love that holds your hand, or holds you. ♥
Today we gonna explore one of the biggest impediments to a healthy self-esteem: the quest for perfection
From the time we were young we feel the pressure for perfection, in school, in our career, in relation ships and in physical appearance. In our attempts to attain perfection our attention is constantly drawn to our flaws, we berate our self for falling short or we are unable to let go of mistakes. Our relentless inner critic robes us from the ability of feeling satisfaction and happiness even when we reach a goal. Our best is never good enough. This unattainable quest for perfection diminishes our self-esteem. It doesn't allow us to accept who we are.
Many of us have this idea that striving for perfection and constantly critique our flaws propels us towards success but beating ourselves up doesn't further us towards goals. It depletes our confidence which makes us less likely to take risks. If we want to be happy we want our self esteem to grow We have to let go of our perfectionist tendencies. We want to learn that our achievements don't equal our self worth and the process is equal as important as the goal. Raising our self esteem involves appreciating all we CAN do and honoring all that we can't. It involves recognizing that our best is good enough.
Changing our views and perspective is not an easy task, raising ones self-esteem requires patience, time and effort. The ideas we have about ourselves are often with us for years. So keep an eye out for your inner critic, be mindful of black and white thinking or jumping to conclusions. And saying -should- far to often. Catch yourself when you have self critical or self defeating judgments and practice re-framing those believes. Surround yourself with loving friends who accept you. Celebrate your efforts not only your achievements, accept that sometimes you have success and sometimes you fail and neither outcome determines your worth. Drop the habit of comparison and invite in self compassion. Let go of perfectionist tendencies and when you notice them practice loving kindness and as your acceptance for yourself grows so will your self esteem. We will repeat this program often as a reminder and to strengthen your practice. As your self esteems roars so will your happiness and your peace of mind.
Uplifting Ted Talk : The perfection detox | Petra Kolber
On Friday we focused on cultivating self-compassion. Today we talk about the #1 reason for low
self esteem: comparisons.
The activity of comparing one's self with others is a major trigger for a plummet in self esteem, a shame reaction. Shame fills the gap between what- ideally- we would like to be, do and have, and what we see ourselves as actually being, doing, and having. The bigger the gap, the greater the pain. The trouble is that when we enter the state of comparing, our perception is distorted. We become blind to our own value, while devaluing or dismissing the real worth we have.
We are raised in a society that teaches us to compare ourselves with others. In many families parents use comparisons to try to control the behaviors of the children. "Look at the grades Luna got. You could do as well if you put more effort into it." Or "Josie is so pretty and thin. Wouldn't you like to lose those 20 pounds?" Not only parents, but school settings try to encourage students to do "better than" others. Peer groups form around those who have more or "better" qualities of the group. Jocks are thought to have more athletic ability; the Nerds, more technical and/or intellectual abilities, Beauty Queens, more beauty and popularity. The media shows us how we are to look, what we should think, and be like. Plastic surgeons have had a run on Angelina Jolie lips. Anorexia sufferers plaster the tabloids. All those comparisons we make, separate us from human connectedness. If we compare ourselves and conclude that we are less, we feel depleted and depressed and we withdraw, hide, get away from others so they won't see us as unlovable or incapable. The human connectedness fades and we feel alone.
Social media is like kerosene poured on the flame of social comparison. In the past there was hardly any exposure to other people's triumphs, now such news is at our fingertips constantly, updating us about a greater range of people and we constantly look/ like/comment at others through the rose-tinted glasses and filters of Facebook, Instagram and more.
On social media we observe people accolades and achievements without having an insight to their challenges. We compare our worst moment to their best one. When we're reliant on others for our sense of self, only feeling good if we get positive feedback or markers of status, we're at risk for depression. In western culture to have a high self esteem we have this sense that we have to be special or above average, to prove we are better we become competitive. This heighten false sense of self esteem is linked to our most recent success or failure, so our self worth is totally dependent on our circumstances.
Self compassion is unconditional.
So we want to drop our comparing and practice self compassion.
When we are committed to our own well being and recognize the harm we do to ourselves by comparisons, we can decide to stop.
If you start to compare, ask yourself the following:
Do I have all the information?
Am I judging fairly, or using someone’s success to make myself feel like a failure?
Will comparing make me feel better or worse about myself? Be honest!
We can commit to telling ourselves something like, "I refuse to be so mean to myself (or the other). I am merely different from him/her. I have my own unique value." At first it may be a struggle to replace your self talk. But with practice, often the hurtful comparisons will stop as soon as you recognize that you are making them.
Here also the 3 pillars of self-compassion work: kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
When you are aware of your self talk, be kind to yourself and replace those thoughts. Know that no matter how pretty, successful or rich someone is, they still have their own way to suffer. Success, money and good looks are not the factors for happiness. Look at the statistics on suicide.
Being happy lies within us, by accepting who we are and offering our self kindness and compassion. By being grateful for what we have instead of longing for what we don't or can't have. The more you let go of social comparison, the deeper your will accept yourself and embrace the unique aspects of who you are, including success and failure.
“ This is a guided meditation
to take you on a journey of relaxation. Help Clear your mind of clutter and
calm you. It is designed to help reduce your stress level and improve your
overall health and well being.” - Power Meditation
YouTube Channel
"When the sunshine of loving kindness meets the tears of suffering, the rainbow of compassion appears."
Compassion is feeling the suffering of others, being open to their pain. But expressing compassion to ourselves might be something new to many of us. When we are self-compassionate, we treat ourselves in the same way we would a loved one who is suffering. When we practice self-compassion, we realize we are not a bad person, we are simply a person who sometimes makes mistakes or has poor judgment. When we practice self-compassion, it is safe to make mistakes, and easier to own up to them.
Kristin offered this practice when facing a difficult situation:
Close your eyes
Put your hands over your heart
Say, I am struggling right now
Say, Suffering is a part of life. It is part of our common humanity. It is natural to have things like this happen in the course of one’s life. I am not alone.
Say, I am imperfect and that’s okay. I accept myself for who I am.
Say, may I be kind to myself. Repeat as many times as necessary until you feel a calmness in your body.
Say, I’m sorry this is so hard for you. Im here for you. What can I do to help? (What would you say to a friend who was having the same issue? What tone of voice would you have? Say something similar to yourself.)
Say, I love you.
Kristin Neff has some great resources to offer, including a quiz you can take to determine how self-compassionate you are on her website: https://self-compassion.org/
Today we will expand on the topic we talked about yesterday self-acceptance. One of the key aspects of self acceptance is self compassion. Our society is deeply in love with success, we fail to notice the scale of the challenges we routinely set ourselves. Just think about what human beings are in their natural state, just as animals we were part of a tribe and we took care of each other, protected each other, foraging, hunting and stress was confined to moments of danger.
We were successful as a group, we benefited from working together.
Today it is individuals that are successful and it always is at cost of other human beings, animals or nature as a whole. There is nothing remotely normal about what we are trying to achieve.
Most of us are not properly equipped by our histories. We need to consider the course of our lives as a whole. There were things which happened to us at the hands of others which can help to explain our current failures. We were not responsible for everything. We are in part victims of things beyond our control. We are not in complete command of who we are, therefore not be held to account for everything. Failure is not unique, in fact there is always a high possibility of failure. Failure is rarely spoken about. It is taboo on tv, magazines and media (unless it is some major juicy blow-up) but statistically, what has happened to us was always going to be more likely. People who are even more talented than us failed or did not succeed. It is not just you, it was the mountain to climb.
Our society doesn't allow the indulgence of believing in luck. We have to take responsibility for everything. The common opinion is winners make their own luck. They don’t. Luck is a genuine feature of existence. We are robbing ourselves of an honest consolation by believing that we are entirely in control – and therefore entirely to blame when we crash. We are not losers in a game that is fair. Your essential lovability does not have to be at stake. You are not only your achievements. Status and material success is one bit of you, but there are lots of other parts too. You are kind, interesting, witty, sensitive, bold, imaginative… Modern society has over-emphasised certain conditions for love, pegging them too neatly to a narrow range of victories. You should be allowed to exist and tolerate yourself without these badges.
You are exhausted, and panicked. You can’t see how you could move on from this. That’s not the truth, it’s merely how it feels when self-criticism has destroyed every bit of confidence. You need time without pressure. You need to sleep and nurture yourself. We have grown too good at giving the case to the prosecution. Shut out the voice of Duty and Anger. Self-compassion is different from saying you are innocent. It’s trying to be pretty gentle and understanding about why you failed. You made a mistake, but you deserve to exist with dignity and to be understood and forgiven. It’s a fundamental right for us all.
In a nutshell self-compassion involves being kind and loving to ourself.
There are 3 components to self-compassion:
The first one is kindness. So rather than be harshly critical we treat ourselves the way we would treat good friend, with encouragement, love and patience.
The second component of self compassion is common humanity. Rather than focusing on how we are different from others, self-compassion can help us view our similarities. We recognize that inadequacies, imperfections and challenges are all part of our shared human experience, not something that just happens to us alone. Billions of us struggle with the exact same things. It lessens our self judgment and connects us to others.
The third aspect of self compassion is mindfulness. It offers us a balanced perspective, and allows us to observe our experiences with openness and clarity. It helps us face and accept life without judgment and reactivity.
Combined these 3 aspects of self-compassion provide a refuge from our critical mind and enhance our overall acceptance of life.
When we practice self compassion, we offer our self better care it inspires us to make nurturing choices and attract loving respectful relationships. Instead of berating ourselves for our mistakes, we offer our self forgiveness rather than focusing on our flaws. We let go of the need to be perfect. With compassion we are worthy just the way we are. As a way to bring the practice of compassion into your life, Be mindful of your inner language, whenever possible re-frame your self talk so it is kind, loving and compassionate. Give yourself a break, turn back to nature, shower yourself with the little things in life that feel good, the sun on your face, bare feet in the grass, a warm bath. Focus on what is positive about yourself and in your life, don't linger on the past or worry about the future. Forgive yourself easily and learn from your mistakes and remind yourself: Self-acceptance is where happiness lies! ♥
One of the key ingredients to healthy self esteem is the practice of self acceptance That is because self acceptance helps us feel good about ourselves independent of our flaws, mistakes and failures. It helps us release our self judgments and embrace all facets of who we are.
Self acceptance is unconditional, so suddenly we are not reliant on our achievements and accolades to build our self worth, free from the pressure to constantly fix ourselves. We're being none-judgmental affirming our qualities and attributes, accepting our strengths and weaknesses.
Imagine how liberating it would feel if our happiness and self worth weren't depending on future oriented thoughts... like I be happy when... or once I achieve this or that I see my self as successful. Self acceptance allows us to be satisfied with who we are in the status of our live as it is because our self worth isn't based on conditions.
To be clear, with a healthy dose of self acceptance, we don't suddenly begin ignoring or denying our faults or lose our motivation to grow. But we can accept ourselves as we are regardless of our shortcomings, we don't have to wait for something to change before we can like ourselves. The only thing we have to change is how we view ourselves.
The more we develop none judgmental acceptance through meditation the more instinctual it becomes in daily life. Developing this quality takes practice and no change happens over night, much of our self critical and berating nature can go by unnoticed for years. The more we pay attention to our self talk the more we notice how hard we can be on ourselves. So try paying attention to your level of self acceptance through the day or if you are constantly judging yourself. Instead of telling yourself you must be successful to have self worth see what it feels like to drop your judgments, reminding yourself that your value isn't determined by your level of success. All you can do is do your best and that is enough.
Take a moment to infuse your mind, body and heart with none- judgmental acceptance. See if you can accept everything as it is in this moment, with all the aspects of who you are.
Be kind to yourself, turn critical negative thoughts about yourself around and replace them with kinder versions, accept all imperfections, life is perfection in all its imperfections.
Forgive yourself for mistakes you think you made, forgive yourself if things don't change quickly enough. Believe in yourself, believe that you can do anything because you can.
When you fall get up and keep going, failures are the best way to learn things about ourselves, figure out what motivates you by celebrating something you are bad at. Self acceptance happens in the now so let go of ruminating or regretting the past, let go of worry about the future trying to control things you can not control.
Take a deep breathe and accept who you are in this very moment. Look at yourself through the eyes of a dear friend, accepting you, just as you are, not as you think you are supposed to be.
Hopefully over the past few days you've gained a deeper understanding of what self esteem is and how our opinions about ourselves are formed.
Today we gonna talk about the #1 factor responsible for building or diminishing our self esteem: our very own thoughts
You see it is not our external situation that creates our self worth, it is not the amount of money in our bank account or the number on the scale. Those things contribute but where it comes down to is, our self esteem is based on what we tell ourselves, and how we speak to ourselves is directly linked to how we feel. When our self talk is neutral or positive it isn't generally a problem, but when our thoughts are self critical, self defeating, automatic and repetitious, they have the power to significantly diminish our self esteem.
We've grown so custom to hear this thoughts we don't challenge them, even though they may not be true. Out of habit we just keep repeating them over and over. For example if we lack confidence in the area of dating and romance due to a past projection, we might repeatedly think of our self as inadequate. And if so it is unlikely we ask anyone out again.
If we challenge that believe and re-frame it with a more balanced and compassionate one, where we congratulate our courage for taking that risk and we remind our self there are other fish in the sea and we have plenty to offer the right person, that kind of healthy self talk will raise our self esteem.
We want to challenge our tendencies to over generalize, to see things in black and white or focus on the negative while discounting the positive, so instead of telling ourselves we are foolish for making a mistake, we might remind our self we are human, it is ok to trip.
This can be hard to do at first so a helpful practice is to consider: What would you tell a friend who said the same thing? We tend to be far more kind and compassionate to our friends than we are to ourselves. So reflect on those self critical or self defeating thoughts and replace them with a kinder more balanced one.
The more often thoughts go by unchallenged the stronger they become, so we want to pay attention to our inner critic, and as we began yesterday start to question the validity of our thoughts. Once we've done that we can take the next step and re-frame them. The more we take attention of our self critical believes the more skilled we become in catching and re-framing them, when that happens we begin to see the person we deserve to see when looking in the mirror, and we feel a kind affection for ourselves in our heart.
Jim Kwik: How to End Negative Self-Talk
Cognitive Reframing - How Do You Talk To Yourself?
Core Beliefs - The Driving Force Behind Your Thoughts And Actions
Yesterday we took a look on how our self esteem is based on the opinions we have about ourselves.
So lets explore where does opinions come from. It's no surprise they are formed by several aspects:
Our achievements, our relationships and whether we are connected to a larger purpose, these are all contributing factors.
But most of our opinions about ourselves were actually developed in our formative years, the events that took place in our childhood and adolescence largely mold our self esteem. Our parents and the people who raised us have the most significant influence on how we feel about ourselves.
For example if we were fortunate enough to have parents who listen to us, respected us, commended our efforts and offered support we be likely to develop high self esteem. If we had family members who are harshly critical of us, were abusive or expected perfection, their hurtful comments may lowered our self esteem.
Even if criticism directed at us didn't hold any truth they can stick with us sometimes for life, whether we were accepted or rejected by our peers, if we had allies or if we were bullied, all our experiences and interactions influence the positive and negative feelings we have about ourselves.
You see our self esteem is extremely fragile and impressionable. Negative messages have the potential to seep into our unconscious mind without us even recognize it. The good news is that by examining those critical believes we have the ability to change and transform it.
We will explore that shortly in the meditation:
In the state of stillness and reflect on what brought you back to his program once again, bringing to mind the area of life you selected yesterday. And with that area in mind, reflect on a criticism or self defeating believe you may have, any reoccurring negative statement you tell yourself regularly, that impacts your self esteem, one that lessens your value self worth or competency
And just notice how that criticism makes you feel, often our critical believes are inspired by other people, our parents, our peers, through media and culture. There may be a specific event that influences that notion, so you maybe able to trace that criticism or believe believe back to a time in your past, regardless if whether you can recall the origin of the criticism.
Ask yourself the following question:
what if that believe isn't true? what if it is only partly true? what if it is an exaggeration or an assumption? or misinterpretation? and that believe is hurting us?
Thoughts come into our unconscious mind and become our core believes, but the good news now matter how ingrained they are, its possible to let them go...
So the next question is: are you ready to do that? are you willing to release that criticism? or are you at least willing to see how it would feel to be free of that believe?
Welcome to the 7 days of self-esteem a mindfulness program that explores self esteem and the ways to enhance it
It's interesting how sometimes a person you never met can walk into a room an you can detect if they have high or low self esteem. A timid voice poor social skills, a lack of assertiveness or the opposite aggressive nature all point to signs of low self esteem. But a head held high, a wide smile, a confident, humble kind demeanor, these are all qualities of someone with high self esteem
Everyone wants it but unfortunately we can't achieve it by snapping our fingers . Self esteem is a complex concept.
So let's start with the definition...
Our self esteem is based on how much we value ourselves and how competent we feel in life. To be clear, it is different from self confidence. Our self confidence is wrapped up in our ability to do something successfully. Self-esteem is our sense of how worthy and capable we are, it refers to the extent to which we like, accept and approve of ourselves.
Now we all have higher opinions of certain aspects of ourselves and lower opinions of other aspects. So the question is where do these opinions come from.
Over the next 7 days, we will explore how self esteem is developed and how to improve it. You learn techniques to challenge your thoughts, quiet your inner critic, soften your perfectionist ways and drop your comparisons.You also develop the ability to enhance your level of self acceptance and self compassion. The good news about self esteem is that it is possible to improve it with the right tools and an effort to change. With a new found self worth we have the ability to become centered and confident in our true self
Meditation piece:
bringing your attention inward to contemplate what brings you to this program, is there a specific area you like to improve in your relationship with your self esteem
take a moment to think about what that might be perhaps your physical appearance and body image, your relationships, confidence in the romance department, work, career or education, health and fitness, or your habits discipline and behavior.
What is what matters most to you now? The idea here is not to judge ourselves, it's merely to gain insight. Deepening our awareness is the first step to change, a change that will inspire a more balanced and positive reflection of who you are rather than berating yourself for your shortcomings
You learn to view them as opportunities for growth rather than accepting your critical believes as facts, you learn how to challenge their validity and more regularly shower yourself with love and self acceptance in appreciation of your curious and courageous nature.
Commending yourself into this work of insight, keeping in mind that all your strengths and weaknesses make you human and unique and every moment is an opportunity to grow in your self acceptance
Audiobook The Psychology of Self Esteem:
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem:
7 Days of Self-Esteem is based on the Tamara Levitt program and sits behind pay wall in the Calm app so I can sadly not link to it ♥ To purchase a subscription: https://www.calm.com/
