Mindful Thoughts pt5 : Anxiety

This is certainly the age of anxiety. Many  people

have problems related to anxiety, caused by the rampant

stress in their lives. Anxiety is one of the most pervasive mind states psychiatrists encounter.

From time to time, in even the hardiest of us, feelings of fear surface. They may be about

losing someone or losing something or about feeling pain or being alone

or being sick or disabled, or about someone you love being hurt.  

We may have fears of failure or fears of success, fears of

letting other people down or about the fate of the earth. 

Most of us carry such fears within us. They are always present but they only

surface under certain circumstances.

The word fear implies that there is something specific that is causing this emotional state to arise. 

Under certain threatening circumstances, all of us experience fear, even terror. It is a

major characteristic of the fight-or-flight reaction. 

We are overwhelmed and this experience can easily lead to a state of panic, driven by desperation and

feelings of complete loss of control. To panic in a threatening situation is a dangerous and unfortunate reaction, because it is disabling just at the time that you need to react with rapidity and clarity.

Some people handle feelings of fear much better than others do. Commonly, we cope with our fears 

by ignoring such feelings when they surface or denying them altogether, or concealing them from other people. 

Many people find it difficult, if not impossible, to deny or ignore or conceal their anxiety. Without effective means for dealing with it, their anxiety can have significant effects on their ability

to function. And of course, it causes people to pursue many of the maladaptive coping avenues.

When we speak of "anxiety," we are talking about a similar 

strongly reactive emotional state but without a clearly identifiable cause or threat. 

Anxiety is a generalized state of insecurity and agitation that can be triggered by almost anything. Sometimes

it seems as if there is nothing triggering it at all. 

You can feel anxious and not really know why. 

It is possible to wake up feeling shaky, tense, and frightened. If you are plagued by anxious feelings, your anxiety

may frequently seem out of proportion to the actual pressures you are under. You may have a hard time putting your finger on the root cause of your feelings. You may find yourself worrying all the time, even when there is nothing the matter or there is no major threat.

If this state of mind becomes a chronic condition, it is

referred to as generalized anxiety. Its symptoms may include trembling,

shakiness, muscle tension, restlessness, fatigue,

shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, sweating, dry mouth, dizziness

or light-headedness, nausea, the feeling of a "lump in the

throat," feeling keyed up, being easily startled, difficulty concentrating,

trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, and easy irritated.

In addition to generalized anxiety, some people suffer from what are called anxiety attacks, or panic attacks. These are episodes in which a person experiences a period of intense fear and discomfort for no apparent reason. Often people who suffer from panic attacks have no idea why they get them or when one will happen. 

The first time it happens, you can think you are having a heart attack since it is frequently accompanied by acute physical

symptoms including chest pains, dizziness, shortness of breath, and profuse sweating. 

There may be feelings of unreality and you may also think that you are dying or that you are going crazy or that you

may lose control of yourself. 

Unfortunately, many people with panic attacks continue to visit emergency rooms and wind up being told that "there is nothing

wrong" and being sent home with no assistance or with a prescription for tranquilizers. If you are cared for by a doctor who can

recognize these symptoms as a panic attack, you may be on the road

to getting the right kind of help in bringing them under control.

While it can be reassuring to know what a panic attack is and that you are not going to die from it or go crazy, what is most

important is that you know that you can work with these mind-body storms by changing the way you see and pay attention to the very processes of thought and reactivity within your own mind.

As you might imagine, the application of mindfulness to chronic anxiety involves allowing the anxiety itself to become the object of our attention. We intentionally observe the fear and anxiety when they come up, just as we do with pain. When you

move in close to your fears and observe them as they surface in the form of thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, you will start to recognize them for what they are and know how to respond to them appropriately. 

Then you will be less prone to become overwhelmed or swept away by them or to have to

compensate in self-destructive or self-inhibiting ways.

Mindfulness changes the structure and function of your brain, these

changes can be tracked and measured. It rewires your brain how to respond to stress and be more focused.

You learn to recognize and stop “mental time travel” — worrying about 

the future and ruminating about the past.

Instead of following a worrying thought down the path of all possible 

negative outcomes, you learn to recognize it for what it is

 — one thought — and then let it go.

This trains your brain to be less anxious.

Mindfulness meditation changes the balance of chemicals in your brain,

It increases the levels of GABA (gamma-amino-butyric-acid)

a neuro transmitter essential for feeling happy and relaxed

Mindfulness also elevates mood by increasing levels of serotonin

another neurotransmitter vital to happiness

At the same time mindfulness meditation reduces

the stress hormone cortisol which significantly contributes to 

anxiety, depression, sleep disorders and memory loss

The amygdala, the area of the brain associated with fear, anxiety

and stress decreases and becomes less reactive

as it improves neural connections between various areas of the brain

Meditation doesn't have to take a lot of time

As little as 10 min a day is a reasonable goal

Even two minutes per day because it will help form a habit you'll stick with

When we talked about Emotions I told you when the arousal within us is very high we can have problems identifying 

what the exact emotion is that we are feeling. When you go into a roller-coaster you have the same bodily sensations

as the ones we feel in a panic attack, yet at that moment we do not perceive it as something negative but even exciting and do not have the accompanying worrying thoughts. Where the same sensations during a panic attack induce so much panic. 

Important: For anxious people meditating can make the anxiety worse because of the breathing practice.

Mindful meditation is not about regulating your breathing or fighting thoughts or feelings, bring your attention to the sounds

and use those to bring yourself in the moment. Just as thoughts and sounds, the sensations of an anxiety attack are a cycle of coming and going.  An attack usually takes 5 to 20 minutes. Observing the impermanence of the anxiety experience can strongly reduce the power. Fool your brain into safety thinking by chewing a gum as soon as you feel the first sensations.

When we chew our brain thinks we are eating and therefor safe and will stop firing off chemicals for the fight/flight response.

Eating more healthy, exercise like walking or running help and enough sleep will help you long term. IF you have anxiety attacks

that disable you from functioning make sure to seek help.

Mindful Thoughts pt4 Pain

 

Today Body pt 4 : how can Mindfulness help with pain.

Hundreds of millions of people all over the world are impacted by pain. Physical pain, chronic pain, mental pain... Living with pain is not only a physical strain it is also an emotional strain as well. Feelings of frustration, anger, depression or even despair can deeply impact the quality of our lives.

The use of highly addictive opioids to treat pain have caused a silent epidemic, every year 300 million pain prescriptions are given out by doctors worldwide, which equals a $24 billion market, 80%of those subscriptions is consumed in the United States, 15% in Canada and Europe, and the rest of the world gets the other 5%. Unfortunately, 40 to 70% of people with chronic pain aren't actually receiving the proper medical treatment for their pain.  The over use of opioid is staggering. Worldwide 187000 people die from opioid overdose every year and that number grows every year by 6%.

Not too long ago, we thought that the brain we’re born with is static—that after a certain age, no change is possible. Fast-forward a decade or two, and we’re beginning to see the opposite: the brain is designed to adapt constantly. Neuro-scientists now know three things: 1) you can train your brain to change, 2) that the change is measurable, and 3) new ways of thinking can change it for the better.

It’s hard to comprehend how this is possible. Practicing mindfulness is nothing like taking a pill, or a quick fix, but just as we learn to play the piano through practice, the same goes for cultivating well-being and happiness. The brain keeps changing over its entire lifespan. And that’s very good news:We can intentionally shape our brain in ways that are beneficial by focusing on wholesome thoughts, for example This leads us to the conclusion that qualities like being kind and being happy should best be regarded as skills.Research on neuro-plasticity and meditation research concludes that even short amounts of practice, like 30 minutes per day, shows measurable changes in the brain on a brain scanner.

A big spoon of scientific information for those of you who like to know more of all the research, a good source with many useful links on this matter: 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3580050/

Pain is a complex experience. The way you experience pain and the intensity is affected by many different factors 

your emotional state (“I am angry that I am feeling this way”), beliefs about pain (“This pain means there’s something seriously wrong with me”), expectations (“These painkillers aren’t going to work”) and environment (“I don’t have anyone to talk to about how I feel”).

Pain is generally recognized to be associated with three major components: 

Physical sensations

Emotional response to the sensations

Social effects of the experience

Mindfulness can help you tune into the difference between these three experiences, making it possible to reduce the suffering without reducing the severity of the pain itself. It can also help you approach your pain with less fear and more acceptance, allowing you to live life fully, even though you have pain.

Many of the studies that explore mindfulness and pain focus on the ways that mindfulness can improve quality of life and mental distress associated with pain, rather than the intensity of the sensations of pain itself.

Mindfulness improve the experience of pain by:

Decreasing the repetitive thinking and reactivity

Increasing a sense of acceptance for unpleasant sensations

Improving emotional flexibility

Reducing rumination and avoiding behaviors

Enhancing self-compassion

Increasing a sense of acceptance for the present moment

Inducing the relaxation response and decreasing stress

The idea of being mindful of pain may seem counter-intuitive. Most people want to forget about their pain— they want to escape it, run away from it, wishing they could ignore it or get rid of it somehow. The problem is—ironically—that by fighting and struggling against it, and even by trying to ignore it, you create within yourself a state of ‘resistance to what is’ and that means stress,higher sensitivity to pain and thus more pain. 

It takes a little practice but it is possible to be in a calm and content emotional state even when in physical pain.This technique is incredibly effective and works wonders in pain reduction (really impressive actually!) and definitely helps cultivate inner peace.

The ability to cope with pain improves which, in turn, improves the quality of life. It also has the wonderful side benefit of reducing much of the mental and emotional strain associated with chronic pain. And most importantly, it does this with no risks or negative side effects— being completely natural, the only side effects are positive ones.

If you suffer ongoing pain I highly recommend you give this a try. What do you have to lose?

New event Wednesdays at 3 pm SLT at the Center

Every Wednesday at 3pm SLT we will hold a Tai Chi event, will be either me or my husband, or?

It means listening to relaxing music and watch our avatars do the moves. So nothing special ♥

A new mentor at the Center: Cypressea

Excited to introduce a new mentor at the Center:

Cypressea Rollins is a devoted Yoga teacher, who has been immersed in the journey of self-exploration through Yoga for over the last 15 years. 

Expanding her scope of teaching and testing yoga's adaptability she brought yoga to Second Life in 2017 and has continued to grow. 

She is passionate in sharing her practice in a slow and inviting way to kick-start anyone's yoga journey. 

Cypressea brings joy, inspiration and ancient wisdom from different arts into one. 

Cypressea was first introduced to Yoga in her teens through Self Realization Fellowship and reading the Autobiography of a Yogi. From there Yoga became a daily part of her life. She became interested in the history of Yoga and the foundation of its philosophy. Cypressea began to learn about Hindu mythology and stories in relation to yoga. She enjoys to share the tales she learns to bring more exploration within the yoga journey.  

 Come experience yoga as a beautiful way to recenter, recharge and embrace ourselves as we are.

You can see a live version of here yoga class here on Facebook

Mindful Thought: Mindful Eating with Dr Dawn-Elise Snipes

Mindful Thoughts: Body pt2 craving

Today Mindfulness Thoughts is about tackling our craving and addiction.

We function throughout the day thanks to habits: wake up, brush teeth, make coffee. Transforming behaviors into habits saves our brains from having to make extra effort to make the same decisions over and over, and this can work to our benefit like arriving in time at work, sporting 2 times a week etc 

but we can also form habits like smoking cigarettes, stress-eating, or constantly checking our social media and that may be holding us back.

Habits can be described as automatic behavioral loops, involving triggers, behaviors, and rewards. For example, you may feel stressed (trigger), eat junk food or smoke a cigarette (behavior), and feel better (reward). When you attain (and, later, anticipate) the reward, your brain releases dopamine in a neural process that lays down a memory of that behavior and helps you “learn” to execute that behavior next time to attain the reward. 

This reward-based learning system is conserved all the way back to the most primitive of nervous systems, for example the sea slug with roughly 20,000 neurons.

In everyday life, that reward-based learning can reinforce a diverse array of inconvenient habits. We can get in the habit of ruminating, constantly checking our phone notifications, and distracting ourselves, to the point that these behaviors become addictive. With tobacco use and unhealthy eating habits as leading causes of preventable death worldwide, and the rise in accidents due to texting while driving, habits can be dangerous.

Addiction is defined as “continued use, despite adverse consequences”. Even when someone is fully aware of how harmful their habits are, they continue to act on them, when we have an uncontrolled relationship with our habits, we can experience inadvertent cravings for reward and become blind to how these habits are hurting us over time.

As we grow up we expect the world to be a certain way, we soon find out, nothing is as we expect it.

Any attempt to change the world outside us fails, most of us will find a lot of struggle in many different forms

through out our lives. To fill this void we look for alternatives, habits and addictions.

And this results only in more struggle and stress. And stress is the main reason we form habits and addictions.

The only tools to cope with our world and life is to be found in our self and here Mindfulness will help you to do

exactly that.

Mindfulness and meditating activates the prefrontal cortex and takes you of autopilot so you respond instead of react, 

helps you see your thoughts as thoughts, recognize emotions, become aware of the body.

You can learn to surf the urge of craving and it also balances acceptance and change.

It retrains our mind to recognize that we don't have to believe everything we think.

Mindfulness helps us pay careful attention to our cravings, and see what they are made up of – thoughts and body sensations. 

Importantly, with this awareness, we can notice cravings as they arise, 

see how they change from moment to moment (instead of lasting “forever” as some 

of people describe), and as a result, stay with them and ride them out instead of 

acting on them. Also, paying attention helps us see clearly what we get from our behavior in that moment.

And this is the beginning of the end – we start to get disenchanted with what we were 

doing – just by paying careful attention. This dual purpose of mindfulness – disenchantment 

and being able to be with ourselves instead of reacting automatically – may be a winning combination.

Why would it work so well? It turns out that it targets the core addictive loop in our brain formed by addiction.

By helping people ride out their cravings instead of acting on them, it decouples the link between craving and acting on it, effectively dismantling the loop. 

This is an important point, because these data pinpoint a mechanistic link that is being targeted by mindfulness, which is not always easy to find in behavioral treatments.

Tasks:

When eating, drinking or smoking, be in the moment. Start with exploring the packaging, what kind of packaging is it? Plastic? Paper? What does the label say?  What are the ingredients?

Is it healthy or not so? Does it have calories?

Open the packaging and and hold it under your nose and smell. Does it smell as you thought it would? Does it smell the same as it tastes?

Now take it out the package and hold between your fingers, what does it feel like? What kind of texture?

Take a bite and slowly chew, how does it feel between your teeth? Is it soft or hard? Sticky? Does it break easily? What is the taste on the front of your tongue? The middle of your tongue? The back of your tongue? Does it take long to chew before you can swallow it?

When you swallowed what is the after taste? How does it feel as it slides down to your stomach? How does your stomach feel? 

Is your mouth dry or wet? 

You can do this with smoking too.

Being aware of the different steps can make the experience of eating what you love suddenly completely different.

Mindful Thought Body pt1

Today we talk about Mindful Sex. We talked about relationships last week and how being in the present and aware of our 

thoughts and emotions helps to overcome the suffering they can cause. This week we transition to the body. 

 

Sex is tricky to talk about. It’s either too much information or not enough. 

And it’s probably the most subjective thing you’re likely to have an opinion on.

This lecture is by no means vulgar or meant to induce arousal 

I do not want to offend anyone, if however you feel that, please quietly leave

and accept my apologies before hand.

If you look at sex from a biological point of view we can see sex as a reproductive function, 

our continued existence as a species depends on it

The facts however undermine this assumption:

People continue to engage in sex long after they stopped having children

In fact, most sex happening around the world is not related to reproduction at all

Is physical pleasure or genital stimulation the important component in the decision to have sex?

If it’s pleasure you want, if you desire a nice orgasm, you'll get there faster—and cheaper, 

with more certainty and less risk of pregnancy and disease—through masturbation. 

So why are we craving sex with a partner? 

And why, when we do masturbate, are we fantasizing about him or her or about someone, anyway?

It turns out that the deep experience of sexual pleasure depends somehow on the presence, 

and conduct, of others. 

For us, power and meaning emerge through making connections. 

Sexual desire, is not aimed at physical pleasure alone but at connectedness with others. 

Sexual pleasure is fundamentally a social construct and is derived from the synchronized cooperation between people.

Sex becomes truly pleasurable when we form a meaningful bond with another human being.

This is why paying for sex and porn even though it gives the scratch to the itch will overtime 

leave most of us with a feeling of emptiness, lack of intimacy and distorts the perception of what sex is like. 

This feeling of connection with yourself and/or your partner is where 

mindfulness comes in. For some people mindfulness during sex comes naturally, being in the present

is a beautiful gift for the other.

For most if us it is natural for our mind to wander. Our mind wanders, anxiety eats away at the edges of our awareness and enjoyment.

We play pornographic movies in our mind, evaluate our own performance, worry about things in the past or the future, 

wondering what our butt look likes, there is ample opportunity to zone out.

Often we start to associate sex with bad experiences like premature ejaculation

or breaking condoms, or not being happy about our bodies.

Our brain is wired to look out for threats, anything negative will leave a much deeper

expression, what we talked about before negative bias

All of this can make sex more trouble than it is worth with negative consequences for our relationships

The biggest cause for sexual problems today is stress

This can come from outside sources or from within.

If you’re a zebra and a lion attacks, stress makes sense. 

When we feel threatened, our bodies secrete adrenaline and cortisol to deal with 

short-term physical crises. Evolution gave us this stress response so we 

could escape lions, and it’s great for that.

Trouble is, that same stress response kicks in when we’re faced with everyday worries,

from traffic jams to utility bills.

Cortisol is a hormone that is absolutely crucial for life. Without it we would not be able to 

survive. However, when we live in chronic strain, worry, and stress, the adrenal glands 

produce relatively high amounts of cortisol. The problem with cortisol is that our bodies 

are not meant to be exposed to these relatively high amounts for long periods of time. 

Cortisol decreases your immunity, it increases inflammation, it increases abdominal fat,

it breaks down muscle bone and connective tissue, it inhibits thyroid hormone activation

it gives erectile dysfunction,

for women with high cortisol levels it is actually physically impossible to have an orgasm

And here practicing Mindfulness comes in:

Mindfulness is about learning to focus our attention on whatever we are experiencing, 

moment to moment, with open-minded curiosity and compassion rather than judgment. 

Meditation affects the premotor cortex, he specific part of your brain that activates mirror neurons.

Mirror neurons let you feel things that you see do others, for example when you see a comedy or a sad movie, when someone falls or cut their hand.

These are your mirror neurons at work.

This is why you are aroused when you see your partner getting aroused.

They say sex happens between the ears and for a good part this is true, for fantasies and imagination, but to have a 

fulfilling sex experience we need to feel it with our body.

Mindfulness helps you pull away from the mind and experience sex completely with your body and senses.

How do you practice mindfulness during sex?

First minimize distractions. Turn off the television. Silence your phone. Put Fido or Fluffy in the other room.

Be aware, when your mind wanders bring it back to your breathing and the sensations in your body. 

Breathe down to the abdomen to give energy to the sexual regions of your body. Sync the rhythm of your breathing with your

partner.

Let go of expectations. There is no pressure to be perfect, to perform, or to orgasm. 

You and your lover, your bodies, and your time together are to be enjoyed. Period.

Focus your attention on your sensual awareness. Use your senses to stay aware, taste, smell, touch, sounds. Explore your partner's

body mindfully: the curvature of the body, the softness, the slipperiness... immerse yourself in the sensations.

Let go of the need to control. Trust in yourself, your lover and the process. Unplug from shame. Your body and your life are gifts to express your divine union with your lover

Together with your partner, explore each other and connect at a different, deeper dimension.

A little bit of oom can lead to a lot of ahh :D

The Kindness Club: Introduction and Sund 8/2

The Kindness Club with Juju!

The Kindness Club is a weekly video series on Sundays at 10am SLT.  We may add more days and times in the future so please keep a look-out.  The videos will feature various topics related to mindfulness and becoming the best version of ourselves - there will be talks, lessons, and guided meditations from a variety of sources.  A notecard will go out with the group notice prior to each event with instructions on how to watch the video when you arrive at the Center.  (Please note, you must be a member of the Center for Mindfulness group in order to participate.)

Your suggestions for videos we can all enjoy together are very welcome!  Please send an NC or IM to my legacy name, Moldylocks with the YouTube link.  At the moment, YouTube is the only format that's supported.

Namaste,

Juju Ijinn

Weekend Zen with Raeven

Mindful Thoughs: Relationships pt 5

Today Relationships pt 5: Break Up and Feeling of Loss

Today we will talk about loss and how mindfulness can help you to deal with it

What does loss mean? 

Losing someone, lose something...

Loss is something we can experience on many different levels and it is very personal for each of us

For example: a child can grief much more for the loss of it's pet than the loss of his grandfather,

while in our perception often the grandfather will be much more important than a pet

Loss can not be judged, the amount of grief someone feels for whatever loss can not be judged,

the amount of time someone takes to grief can not be judged

as the feeling of loss is very personal

We use words as break up, end, lose, split, we use broken, empty, hole, lost, damaged...

It is the description taught to us by society, it is the story in our mind, the story of the relationship

in our mind

A relationship does not break, it does not end, love does not end or go away,

it changes

someone you loved and touched and you were touched by,

it doesn't stop,

it changes,

you carry the experience of the other person with you for the rest of your life

One of the most important rules of our Universe is that nothing ends, it just changes shape,

that is the same with everything in our life,

nothing is permanent,

everything always changes, 

the chair you sit on will break eventually and be recycled to something else,

or become someone else's chair,

everything in nature goes through the never ending cycle of change

The concept of impermanence is central in Mindfulness and Buddhist teachings. 

It is by becoming aware of it, by observing it and by understanding it, we can find a suitable remedy for 

the sorrow of human life and achieve liberation from the process of anicca or impermanence.

Change means new opportunities and new possibilities

so love does not end, it just changes shape.

Losing someone or breaking up feels like your world has come to an end, you thought your partner was ideal for you, and all of a sudden, they’re out of your live. 

A romantic break up can be one of the most traumatic experiences. It is a rite of passage because it is such a transformative experience. When you go through it, you come out on the other side a changed person.

So what is this pain then and where does it come from?

Pain comes from attachment.

Attachment means really needing things the way that you want, the way that you expect.

You are attached to the way you feel when you are with your partner

Or the way you are when you are with your partner, 

attached to the life you have when being with your partner, the things you do and own together.

You are attached to the concept of your identity

to think of yourself as his girlfriend, her boyfriend, his wife, her husband.

You are attached to the dream of your relationship,

the dream of the future of the relationship.

Attachment can make us really blind to the truth, 

blind to the present moment,

to what is actually happening and going on

and cause a lot of pain when the truth and our attachments don't line up.

As tough as it is, it is important to take some time and explore your attachments. 

You know you are attached if you are having problems letting go,

if you keep thinking about it, if you can't understand why it didn't go the way you want.

Pain comes from resistance.

Resistance and attachment go hand in hand when we are attached to someone.

You play the movie of your relationship over and over because

you resist how you feel now.

You mount the time machine over and over to fix something in the past:

if you did not do this, if you hadn't said this...

all to not have to feel what you feel now.

We resist a future that does not include the dream of the relationship,

you do not want this outcome.

Resistance can come up in many forms:

avoidance, attempts to control, denial of truth, obsession, delusion

If you feel resistance there is the need for you to look inside

explore the attachments

Ask yourself the question, what change is needed?

And remember whatever you resist will persist.

Pay attention to the stories your mind is telling you

You don’t have to believe everything that you think. For example

“I always fail at relationships. I should just give up.” Or you may be thinking, 

“I won’t meet anyone else who cares about me.”

Rather than actively trying to change your unhelpful thoughts,

take a moment to notice them as they come up. Recognizing that not all of your thoughts 

are true is the first step toward decreasing their power. 

Then, try to think of something more helpful. For instance, if you have the thought 

“I always fail at relationships,” you could instead focus on positive things that you learned 

from the relationship. You could tell yourself that your relationship was not a failure 

because you learned things and grew as a person.

Examine the facts. It is easy to overlook the difficult parts of a relationship after a 

breakup because we are focused on magnifying the positives and the good we felt in the past. 

Paying attention to the facts helps us stay grounded and aware of the reality of our situation. 

At times our mind can make a situation seem much worse than it is.”

Let yourself feel 

It’s tempting to numb painful emotions either through binge-eating, not eating, 

drinking alcohol, having rebound relationships, or becoming a workaholic. 

But these strategies are ineffective in actually allowing yourself to grieve and heal. 

They might make you feel better temporarily, but will often cause you to feel even worse in the long run.

There is no need to pretend that everything is fine. Allow yourself to cry, as this is very healing and freeing. 

You might be inclined to bury your feelings, but acknowledging and embracing them strengthens you.

Additionally, practice being mindful of the emotions that you’re experiencing. 

It is also important to be compassionate with yourself; practice speaking to yourself kindly and engaging in self-care.

At a base level we are all connected to every human being and it feels awesome to have a life partner and a family, friends and other people around.

But we ultimately walk through life somewhat alone as well, we are always separated by our skin and cells

at least that is our perception of it, we can never fully experience what it feels like to be them

or see things the way that they see things,

and they will never be able to do the same thing for us.

And that's ok because we have our own perspectives,

our own thoughts, our own experiences,

our own feelings,

our own dreams and desires,

so don't get lost in trying to have someone else's experience, or their dreams and desires

you can never achieve that , you can never control that.

You can get lost in your own experience,

fully understand and appreciate your own experience

and live life fully that way.

When we fully step into our own experience and perspective

then we add to the tapestry of life our own unique person-hood

and thats what makes life beautiful and thats what makes it work

but to do that you need to nurture the relationship with yourself

That means spending time with yourself,

understanding your own perspective

your experiences dreams and desires

the same way you would do for another friend, but you are doing it toward you

The idea of that often really scares people,

we are scared to be alone.

We looks inside ourselves and think we are not good enough,

but you are good enough I promise you

The more you look within, the more you will understand and appreciate it.

You also will discover amazing things about yourself once you start to look at

yourself with love and compassion.

Don't use relationships with other people to fill a hole in yourself.

Spending time meditating can really help with that

because it gives you the possibility to observe yourself 

and get to know your thoughts and feelings.

Being alone can be awesome

Once you get better with being in a relationship with yourself,

you might start to see that you actually crave time to be alone.

Being alone is a way to cultivate the relationship you have with you,

It also means you get to do exactly what you want, no compromising

Find gratitude for the present moment

Each moment in our life has something to be grateful for

sometimes it takes a little work and a lot of thought.

But if you can find something that you are grateful for in the present moment,

you stop wishing away the time and wishing things would be different

You don't have to discredit how you feel and you can really wish things would be different

but it starts to balance out.

It starts to thicken those thoughts, so it is not all bad or all good.

It's like there is some crappy stuff going on but there is still a lot to be grateful for

that can make this crappy time a little less crappy.

Sitting mindfully with intense emotions may seem like the last thing you want to do, 

but it is a critical step in the healing process.

Being grateful might be a forced habit at first

but the more you push yourself to do it the more it will become naturally

and the easier each day it will become

Not all relationships are meant to last forever. However, through each relationship, 

we can learn and grow as individuals. 

You can heal and even emerge a stronger person following a breakup. 

You might not see it now, but this ending may have ultimately been a gift. 

And the future is full of new and exciting possibilities.

When you are loving and nurturing to yourself

and no longer need someone or something to feel complete,

you will be able to feel love in the present moment

to live a relationship in the moment,

to give the gift of being in the present for someone,

without the need for attachment and expectations.

Task: When you are overwhelmed by pain and/or emotions return to the part we learned about emotions.

Instead of feeling what you feel with your mind and your mind telling you what you are supposed to feel,

first examine the state of your mind, what is it you are feeling? 

Then scan your body and try to feel the emotions and pain only with your body, scan where the pain sits, 

explore the size, the temperature, the texture of the sensations caused by your emotions and pain.

And then try to accept, give it room in your body to be there, know that none of it is permanent. 

Start your day and end your day with being grateful about something small.

Write a journal so you can see how each day gets better, like you manage your own healing process.

Mindful Thought: Relations pt4

Today part 4 of Mindful Thoughts and Relationships: Mindfulness at work.

Example: 

You go shopping on Saturday and you visit 10 stores. In 9 of them the clerks are very friendly and helping. In 1 shop the clerk is rude. 

When you get home which one are you gonna talk about?

The rude one. it makes you really mad, you obsess about it and it keeps flipping back in your mind.

This is negativity bias at work. Negativity bias is the natural evolutionary hard wired tendency of humans to focus on threats

and it is not hard to understand why most humans and animals minds are wired to notice threats.

A threat can kill you or at least make your life unpleasant.

How might this undermine your romantic relationship?

The focus on negative events with your partner.

In an intimate romantic committed relationship this tendency shows up all the time, you share many things together, good and bad and for most relationships 9 out of 10 will be positive and make your life better.

When your partner does something wrong or she/he has a problem, you start to focus on that problem, you will start to ruminate on that treat.

And unlike other animals we can carry threats around in our imaginations, all life is organized around the idea of moving towards pleasure and rewards and moving away from threats and unpleasant things.

It also works like this in an intimate relationship.

If you are doing what you are naturally wired to do, focusing on threats, two things happen:

Your attention becomes a spotlight and when you shine your spotlight on something what happens on everything 

outside the spotlight? 

It sits in the dark.

That is why you don't see the car or house you have, that is why you don't see the 9 helpful clerks in the stores,

that is why you don't see the good things your partner did but only the negative.

When you are focused on the negative, a stress response is triggered, a neurological cocktail designed to get you away from 

threats pumps through your body, your heart rate goes up, your blood pressure goes up, the right response to escape a lion

not so much as a reaction to a store clerk.

And in addition to the animal brain, we have this much newer part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, that part remembers and that part tells a story.  That story can become part of our relationship and change it drastically.

Example:

You have a really bad day at work, you come home, the kids are loud, and your partner hasn't made dinner yet

even when it is their turn. So what do you do?

Even if you don't lash out, at the very minimum you will feel mad.

Disappointment, negativity bias and hydonic adaptation all happen below subconscious awareness. You react 

without thinking, playing out the patterns and habits. 

Mindfulness corrects what happens below our subconscious awareness. The moment you become aware of your thoughts

and feelings, you see more clearly what is happening. 

Once you are aware of the dynamic that happens inside you, the spotlight of your attention,

your thoughts and emotions, you can start to control them.

There are 3 strong pillars forming the base of Mindfulness in our relationships:

gratitude, compassion and forgiveness.

Gratitude is the affirmation of the good things in life, it's an affirmation of the relationship

If your partner cooks dinner for you and you say thank you, you are affirming that dinner is good

but also affirming your relationship. You recognize there is interdependency between the two of you and that your partner is important to you.

She/he gives you things that are good and improve your life. Gratitude is very important in every relationship.

Let the ones around you know you appreciate who they are for you and what they do for you.

Withholding gratitude is an exercise in power in an intimate relationship. You are dis-affirming the relationship

You reject the good things implicitly, you may not mean to, you make your partner feel invisible,

you make their contribution become invisible.

People do this all the time and there is nothing intentional about it, most of us do it instinctively because this 

is our emotional toolbox and we are just picking the tool.

Gratitude is the antidote to the needy ego and hydonic adaptation, but it is also a corrective to negative bias

it is a way of making the good things visible.

When you are focused on threats and negativity, stress puts the frontal part of your brain offline, it means the social part of your brain that 

helps you make compassionate decisions is taken over by the limbic system, it becomes very easy to walk away from someone in distress, because

you perceive their distress as a threat too. 

Where you otherwise would act comforting and do something to alleviate their suffering you become defensive and ready to fight or fly.

Perhaps you don't react like this without a reason, but it is not gonna make your relationship better. 

To override patterns like this requires effort and a little bit of courage, being aware of your thoughts and emotions gives you the choice how to react,

to see your partner and yourself consciously, to look at them with kindness and compassion in moments you usually react disappointed or angrily. 

Relationships involve feeling vulnerable, fearful, uncertain and disappointed, how else  could it be?

Suffering is inherent in human life and the mind is not equipped to maintain equanimity, let alone practice compassion and loving-kindness, in the face of these difficulties. 

And what we talked about yesterday, there is also the tendency to want, even expect, the relationship to be a source of unconditional love and endless praise, to heal your childhood wounds,  to help you overcome self-loathing or to rescue you from your boredom and unhappiness or from your lack of purpose. 

Mindfulness provides the strength and awareness to cope with all of these problems. Your relationships become a vessel to help you travel deeper into yourself and, in time, to become more self-contained and less fearful or needy.

And here we arrive at the last pillar of Mindfulness; forgiveness.

When negative things happened in your relationships it becomes very easy to ruminate, it is a natural thing to do, every time we call to mind a

negative event, our brain reacts as if it is happening again, the story becomes concrete in your mind, you can hold on to it forever and it will color the relationship.

The key why forgiveness is so important is that it opens the possibility for change. If you are willing to forgive someone, you create a door for change, not only for them but also for yourself. And that will always make the relationship better. 

Forgiving someone means healing for yourself. It will make it easier to let go of the event or the person who caused you pain. 

If your relationship has real problems and is unhealthy your self is ravaged and so is your spontaneity. You have no possibility for inner development and feel shut off from the joy of life.

Abuse, emotion or physical factors, strong incompatibility, no possibility to negotiation to name a few. A relationship like that deadens your spirit; you feel lifeless inside. Your partner might be at fault, or you, or both, because of personal wounds or because the two of you are simply mismatched. 

If you repeatedly experience the relationship as having an unhealthy core, ending it may be the wise and compassionate course of action. 

Positive thinking does not mean you need to ignore threats, positive thinking is making sure you count the good things.

It can be difficult depending where you are in your life it takes strength and courage to do that, Mindfulness helps and 

it will make life better for you and your partner

You learn to work with the difficulties and disappointments that arise in all types of relationships. 

Slowly those emotions, which you previously knew only as reasons to suffer, become opportunities for exploring the mystery of 

being a flawed human being loving other flawed human beings.

Try to take what I told you into your heart, look at your partner with kindness and compassion, when it is difficult try to make the conscious choice

to do things differently.  Be in the moment and truly listen what your partner says, hear them. Let them know you appreciate what they mean to you,

as you are aware and see the good things, so will your partner. And when things go wrong try to forgive them and don't make every fight a concrete story.

A good exercise is holding a journal. Write for yourself how you started the day, begin with being grateful. Make notes of fights or moments you 

reacted strongly, turn the roles and examine what the result would have been with more kindness and compassion. Recognize the patterns

and habits that lead to struggling with each other and step by step train your mind to become aware of them before things get out of hand.

And last but not least always practice the golden rule: always count to 10 before reacting ♥

Mindful Thought: Relations pt3

Today pt 3 of Relationships and Mindfulness: we focus now on expectations

All of us have an intense desire to be loved and nurtured. The need to be loved, could be considered one of our most basic and fundamental needs. Since we were babies we feel the desire to be held and touched. 

This need is important and it isn’t surprising that most of us believe our happiness is whether we feel loved and cared for.

Having healthy relationships, is for most of us the top goal—on par with the goal of leading a happy and fulfilling life.

A relationship has two parallel streams at the base: one that moves constantly and is about desire, wants and needs 

and another more deeper and slower that is about the conscious feeling of love for the other person.

Every long term relationship goes through 3 stages:

- The first stage is solely based on needs; you are in love and the neurological storm in our brain enhances the strong desire to be with the other and

you need physical touch and want constant affirmation the other feels the same. This is all about you and your own needs.

- In the second stage a more healthy exchange appears where both partners try to meet each other’s needs and have mutual respect 

and love for each other, behaving like equals, the relationship is now about you and him or her.

- The third stage is conscious love, where you love even when your needs are not met and where the love for the other becomes part of your 

identity. Unconditional love, the love you feel naturally for a child or a pet, also comes into play. Here the relationship becomes all about him/her and no longer 

about you.

Some people have serial relationships one after another, staying in stage 1 forever and driven by this constant urge to search for love.

A relationship that reaches stage 2 has a bigger chance to succeed and become committed and fulfilling. If partners evolve through the stages 

differently the relationships can be very painful for one of them. For example one stays in stage 1 and the other one grows in stage 3.

Love is so awesome until it is not,

Love is the best feeling in the world until it’s the worst.

Love feels eternal in the moment till you break up.

There is a lot in love that feels very contradictory.

When we get into a new relationship we always arrive with high expectations, we project all our wants and needs onto the other and ignore the red flags just to surf the wonderful storm of feelings going through our minds and bodies.

Who of you has felt disappointment in his/her relationship in the past or now?

Not so long ago all marriages were arranged by parents to serve economic and social ends, by the 20th century 

the feeling of romantic love became the base for making a lifelong commitment

Our current expectations are based on our culture's concept of romance

Hollywood's happily ever after romantic comedies carry the implicit message

that if your relationship isn't ideal in all ways then it is second rate.

For many people, a relationship is considered successful only if all of their sexual and emotional needs are fulfilled, 

or their economic and social status aspirations needs to be met. 

Obviously, most of the time things don't work out in this manner, 

and often there is a feeling of disappointment in the relationship.

Many men and women have very unrealistic expectations about relationships and they

make themselves miserably by comparing their situation to how they think love is supposed to be.

There is no connection to the idea that love itself could be the actual reward.

Human beings are designed to get used to the good things and get used to the bad things,

it has to be this way or we would go crazy.

Unfortunately this has an effect on our long term relationships. What first was exciting and wonderful we take for granted

after a while, we get bored and get back in stage 1 thinking.

Our hardwired negativity bias kicks in, we start to focus on the flaws of our partner, we ruminate on things from the past, the story

of our relationship changes and that story can become anxiety and toxic. Most of us have experienced it, nobody is immune to it.

So how can mindfulness help in this?

A lot of people when they think of mindfulness they think of meditation,

or some pro guru sitting legs crossed on a cliff overlooking the ocean meditation all day

But that is not what it is, mindfulness is an approach to life, it's an approach that says whatever experience I have I try as much as possible to be present for that experience to be focused in the moment and to non judgmentally accept that experience.

There is nothing that I experience that is good or bad it is just an experience.

What will serve me, my survival and happiness, is to see that experience clearly.

Mindful Thought: Relationships pt 2

Today second part of relationships and Mindfulness. This part shows a light on how we often mirror our family culture and how that can negatively impact our relationships and life.

In the  60's and 70's a lot of groundbreaking research was done about attachment theory (Bowlby and Ainsworth to name a few) and from that many psychological researchers have examined the different ways secure and insecure attachments with our parents or caregivers affect our attachment style as adults. 

If your parents showed you love, responded to your needs and validated your feelings, you will more likely develop a secure attachment style. You then seek out and desire the same attachment style as an adult.

If you had an insecure attachment with your parents, then you may have a fragmented sense of self, which leads to low self-esteem, anxiety in relationships, doubt to trust others.

You will seek out relationships that mimic that same attachment style, not because it feels good but because it feels familiar.

The relationship with your parents is the very first one you have and the most influential example how to interact with others and communicate in a romantic relationship. The way love is expressed between parents, the way parents show love to their children. Playfulness, hugs, word of admiration, affection.

Those similar patterns you use to show love to your partner.

The ways in which anger and conflict were managed in your family plays a large factor in how you communicate with your partners today.. 

Whether or not you express your emotions openly or hold emotions in, especially negative emotions, parallels how your parents communicated with each other and with you as a child. For example, conflict may be dealt with in the family by talking openly and assertively or by not talking about it and perhaps expressing the negative emotion in passive aggressive ways. 

Conflict may be expressed in direct yet verbally aggressive ways like yelling or name-calling. 

Your styles of communication are formed by observation and direct experience of your primary role models in childhood.  

Poor conflict management is the number one predictor of divorce in couples.

Same-sex parents serve as a model for your own behavior and opposite sex parents are projected into potential partners. This also works in reverse, in the sense that you may search for the opposite of a father who was stoic and uninvolved. Another example, a person may be very sensitive to criticism and argue frequently with partners because their same-sex parent had difficulty advocating for themselves and became a "doormat" in the relationship. We tend to want to emulate our parent's relationship when it is perceived as healthy and positive.

Are we doomed to play out these patterns or can we change this?

Yes! Change starts with self-awareness! Start to identify where patterns of communication, thoughts, and feelings originate. Reflect on your childhood and try to remember the patterns you had in interacting with your parents. How was love expressed? How was conflict dealt with? How were negative emotions expressed or not expressed? Therapy is a great tool for this process. Problematic reactions and behaviors can oftentimes be traced to unhealthy parental interactions. External messages from our families about communication, self-worth, and a host of other issues become internalized and assimilated into our own thoughts.

When you have negative thoughts and self-criticism, ask yourself: Whose voice is that? 

Is this what you think and believe, or does it come from somewhere or someone else? If your parents are still living, you can also start to notice how you interact with your parents today, and then see how those patterns may be playing out in your romantic relationships. After you become aware of your patterns, learning about other ways of interacting is key, and then applying those new ways is imperative. This part is difficult! But Mindfulness will help you. In the first week we talked about the narrative and story

in our head and how to stop believing this propaganda and just see them as thoughts, nothing more.

Meditating will help you become more aware of those thoughts and patterns and you can train your mind to step out of it.

And because we are talking about this in the spirit of Mindfulness I want you to look at your parents or caregivers with compassion. Just as you are formed by your genes

and upbringing, your environment and experience, so are they, they are playing out their own patterns. Not fully aware of the consequences of their actions. Perhaps unable to change. Look at them with compassion and forgiveness. 

You are aware, you examine and break the patterns, you grow as a person and that is something to be grateful for ♥

Anyone of you listening to this that suffers great trauma, Mindfulness can help you but not give you the professional help you need. Be sure to seek out help in rl ♥

Mindful Thought: Relationships pt1

Today we start Mindful Thought with the first part of Relationships and Mindfulness.

I want to share this beautiful quote with you first:

“An outstanding love doesn’t come from two half-fulfilled people coming together to make one whole, complete life. Outstanding love comes from two whole people coming together to share and enhance their already full and beautiful lives.” ~Pia Scade

And here I come to a returning theme: self-love. Read here important part on self-love

One of the most important things to start a healthy relationship is to fully understand yourself.

If you don't you will likely enter the relationship from an emotionally dependent place. 

Communicating to your partner about your emotions and sexual side is important; hoping they will

automatically perceive who you are and what you need is a fantasy.  Make a conscious effort to become aware of your emotional reactions to people and events in your life, observe your mind and the narrative. 

Reflect on your feelings and talk about how you feel and what you notice about yourself but without 

expecting someone else to put you back together. 

A partner can’t make you happy, only you can do that and it is not their responsibility to make you happy. If you rely on them for happiness you will drain the space between you, so it is important to make sure you take the responsibility yourself.

Choosing happiness means accepting that the only person you can change is you and not looking to change others, you work on yourself and make sure you meet your own needs.

In loving yourself; you respect yourself, your ideas, wants, flaws and person, enough to not want anything lesser. If you do not treat yourself as important as you expect to be treated, you will not get the respect you deserve! Loving yourself and actually showing it, sends a signal across to a partner and makes them realize that you have standards. When the reality of your standards hit them, they would never want to treat you lesser. 

Forget trying to morph yourself into the perfect match for Mr. (or Ms.) Right. Do not try appearing a certain way to attract love or play the game to entice a partner. Stop pleasing others for the wrong reasons.

Hastened sex to achieve emotional intimacy does not work, it almost never leads to a committed union.

Don't spend time hoping someone will change, it is better to put your energy into growing as a person and

find someone who likes you exactly as you are.

It is common when attracted to someone to want to rationalize their poor behavior. If someone treats you with disrespect or chronically lets you down, take this as data about whom he or she is as a person. If you try to talk with someone and he or she dismisses you or rationalizes mistreatment of you, take this seriously; this may not be a suitable match. If a someone says they are not looking for “anything serious” or they need a lot of “space,” let them go. This person is not in the same place you are and may not want the same things you want. Believe what people communicate about themselves. If they are acting immaturely or disrespectfully, or saying things that hurt you, move on. It is not your job to show someone a better way; it is your job to work on growing as a person.

Always maintain a degree of space and independence.

It is unhealthy to allow someone or a relationship to absorb your identity and to lose yourself as a person. Keep your own rituals, your own activities, and your own friends. Spend a healthy time apart doing your own thing to nurture your soul ♥

The Center welcomes Raeven and Juju as new mentors!

Good news, we have two new mentors at the Center. 

Raeven  and Juju you probably all met at the meditations are both great additions to our Center. Raeven will lead the meditations on Saturday and Sunday at 1pm SLT. Come say hi and get to know her!

Juju will share meditations, documentaires and movies about meditation and mindfulness in her event. 

Two new screens are installed at the Center to make it easier to watch those together. Be sure to contact her if you have a great clip to share. 

Do you want to be part of the Center too and share something to our members? Contact me in world ♥