Live Your Life for You, Not to Please Expectations
Do you sometimes feel like you don’t love your life? Like, deep inside, something is missing?Often this is because we allowed other people to influence our choices—we are trying to please their expectations. For example, you become a teacher because your father is, or a nurse because you want to do good in society. You volunteer to help the homeless, or to babysit your friend's children, not because it is what you love to do, but because you think it is the right thing to do and it is expected from you.
Social pressure is deceiving—we all become prey without noticing it.
Pleasing others is like chasing a moving target. People will have multiple hopes for you. Social pressure fluctuates—others’ expectations will continually change.By trying to please everyone, we end up pleasing no one—ourselves included. Expectations are an illusion. That’s why most people don’t live the life they want. They feel frustrated and disappointed.
Many people bear resentment when the outcome of an event is less than they imagined it would be, even if their expectation was based on unreasonable assumptions.Frustration is the gap between what people expect from you and who you are.
To bridge that void, you must reframe your relationship with people’s expectations. Expectations create a social contract—it’s an implicit agreement between others and you. If you don’t push back, people will assume you are okay with it.
Speak up. Or people will continue invading you. If you don’t resist, not only do you legitimize the agreement, it becomes a social practice. Soon, you’ll start doing the same to others—when you let other people define your life, you want to prescribe theirs too.
Not expecting things from others is the first step to preventing people from dictating how you live. Life is a two-way street—when you realize that no one owes you anything, you stop expecting people to owe you anything either.No one knows yourself better than you do. No one but yourself can choose how you live.
1. Be kind to yourself
The first step to get rid of expectations is to treat yourself kindly. To take care of others, you have to put on your oxygen mask first—you can’t truly love other people if you don’t love yourself first. Accepting ourselves fully (flaws included) is the foundation for a long-term friendship. When we accept who we are, there’s no room for other’s expectations.Compassionate acts towards ourselves release the "feel-good" hormones. Increased levels of oxytocin make us feel comforted, calm, and connected.
2. Adjust the way you think.
You cannot control what others think about you, but you can choose how you talk to yourself. Your inner-talk can help or harm you. Learn to choose your words wisely. Your expectations can put you in a box—you are the only one who can set yourself free. Pay attention to your inner-dialogue—are you being kind to yourself or adding more pressure? Does your conversation focus on who you are and what you want to be? Or is it full of expectations of who you should be?
3. Speak up.
People need limits—some because they are acting without noticing, others because they tend to impose their desires. Speak up. Don’t let them dictate who you are and what you should do. People will assume the social contract is active unless you explicitly break it. Learn to draw a line. You don’t need to be harsh, though. Just let others know when they are out of bounds—not everyone realizes when they are trying to define how you live.
4. Free yourself and free others.
When you remove your own preconceptions and expectations, you can do the same for others. Living the life you love is liberating—you don’t feel the pressure to please others. Similarly, you won’t need to impose your will on others either. When you take ownership of your life, other people feel empowered to follow suit. Expectations are an illusion—they add useless pressure to everyone.
5. Stop judging, stop expecting.
Expectations derive from being judgmental—when someone can't accept how you behave, they expect you to change. Judgment adds frustration and negativity—perfectionists are never happy. When you let go of expectations, you create space to enjoy the here and now. Your life is not what should happen, but what is actually happening now. Learning to accept reality is hard, but it’s a significant step towards finding calm and peace. Removing expectations doesn’t mean lowering your bar, but rather letting go of the unnecessary pressure. Only when we are relaxed can we give our best.
Any moment is a turning point if you decide to make the most of it. You are in charge. Love your life. Accept the worst and hope for the best.
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